goll-damn it's beautiful today. the weather is cool and sunny. it hailed two hours ago (i missed it, was fast asleep). the sky is now white and blue.

rehearsals have started on THE GOAT. it occurs to me occasionally while i'm working on this play that this character, martin, is a great deal smarter than i am, on several different levels. chief among them is his ability to mentally navigate through a quagmire of confusion, joy, sorrow, infidelity, outrage, and wonder. and he navigates like a mo-fo, instantly steering from one to the next, to the next, in the space of mere lines. the challenge this presents to me as an actor is prodigious-- not only to feel and justify these split-second changes but also to make the changes clear and understandable on some level. i'm not complaining-- i relish a challenge; and the director and my leading lady are impeccable. it's time for me to memorize the hell out of myself.

in other news:

david and i are preparing for a trip to seattle, to attend my friend dave's wedding party. we already have a full slate of activities for the extended weekend (thursday through sunday): see my friend beth, see david's friend ade and go to his show, visit with another friend of david's on friday then go to a special screening of 'showgirls' that evening (my friend dave is an expert 'showgirls' commentator), see another of my friends for lunch on saturday, and attend dave's wedding party on saturday evening. we come home sunday afternoon. david and i have never been on a trip like this together. it will be fun. right now there are a few more logistics to take care of, like our rental car and printing maps and such.

long-range plans:

-work on TAKE ME OUT

-work on UNCLE VANYA

the long-awaited (yeah right) answer

ugh! blast you apathetic anti-intellectuals!

the previous post contained bits from chekhov, bulgakov, and (the word 'lepidoptera' gives it away) nabokov.

who can guess the three authors randomly sampled here?

"Say, did Varlamov pass by here yesterday or not?" robber off the balcony by uttering just two words: 'Hang him.' To been moonlike. Then snow began falling, slowly and vertically. They no sooner disappeared than the prankster Dymov, with the first was extremely tempting: to hurl himself at all these lamps some rocks, walked blue silhouettes with hoods and small lanterns. 

"Why illegitimate? Their father and mother were married did likewise. Scraping with his right hind paw, he dropped the knight recognized in all of life's phenomena, be it the smile of a bonbon in even borrowed a hundred roubles from him and still had not to wake him up. Seeing what condition Stepan Bogdanovich was in, circumstances under which they had been first apprehended in an indi-hall. "So I'll take care of that... Today I'll be seeing Pekar-that he was full. Then Pilate filled his own cup, and the guest did the exotic lepidoptera. Then, after the war, when he had managed again to the general's death, everything changed.

whaddaya call it... a mash-up? cut-up? thing-up?

She rested on an army cot, her hide: a small deal dresser with buffalo-hide decorations sold easily for he raised his right hand as if I were about to disagree.

"A while? How about it?"

Took him on as an apprentice when he had just turned twelve. He said later that, no lie, there was something funny about them-- visit his mother. The whole house knew it. She was cheerful even the last 84 days of her pregnancy on food mixed with matter to who knows you. I've been thinking it over. I want you out of here.

taken randomly from Grace Paley, Raymond Carver, and Georges Perec

corny-corn-corn

as corny as it is, i really like the stephen sondheim song called "being alive." its narrator is a person who wants someone in her life, even if that person messes everything up... sitting in her chair, ruining her sleep... because having someone you love mess up your life is better than having no one you love at all.

as i live in this new-ish relationship (going on 10 months now) i must often remind myself of this kind of beauty, the beauty of having someone mess up my routine, drink the last of my milk, wake me up inopportunely, make irritating noises. all this is much better than living in a bubble, as i was accustomed to doing.

i took david to a family gathering last night and was almost perfectly comfortable. i must give my sister credit for being so warm and welcoming and at the same time, casual about it, as if it were meant to be, and there's nothing particularly 'special' about it. these small steps are little revolutions, slowly incrementally changing the way things are done.

in other news...

my sister-in-law has a beautiful poem on her blog today. i will hereby usurp it. it is by mary oliver and i believe it may be called "praying."

It doesn't have to be

the blue iris, it could be

weeds in a vacant lot, or a few

small stones; just

pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don't try

to make them elaborate, this isn't

a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence in which

another voice may speak.

events that are recent

recent events.

just completed the Forum Theatre Project, this year entitled Borders and Walls. a high-quality group of people assembled to discuss the texas/mexico border wall and to gather stories of immigrants and others involved in the issue. lots of discussion. for the final two weeks, the group met to put together a narrative and to improvise situations having to do with the border and an oppressor and an oppressed. finally, we performed this narrative, unscripted, and other improvisations having to do with oppressors/oppressed. at the end of the performance of the narrative, the audience was invited to intervene and change the outcome of the story.

i think the whole thing went really well. the ultimate goal of the project was to encourage discussion and thought, and i'm sure that we were successful in this goal. also, even though i was surprisingly rusty in an improvisation role, i really enjoyed working with the fine group of people that was assembled, and on such an important topic.

now i turn my energy to edward albee's 'the goat.' we had our first read-thru today and i am already thrilled at how much power and potential this play and these actors have. very exciting!

horoscope

"One often meets one's destiny on the road taken to avoid it," says a French proverb. Sometimes, in fact, you can't even get properly aligned with your highest potential unless you try to escape it. Only by seeking an alternate route are you led into the circumstances that ultimately activate the fullness of your gifts.

-Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny

true west pic

this is from a dress rehearsal of TRUE WEST, AtticRep, december 08. with rick frederick as austin. photo by siggi ragnar.

also, a crush on christopher robin

my brother used to make fun of me for saying "remember when" and then continuing that phrase with a vivid, detailed memory, one that he'd usually had no recollection of. i'm finding myself with all these memories that no one else remembers, especially since re-connecting with old friends on facebook. 

i told you about my friend j.j. who moved away to tucson after 4th grade. i found him and since then we haven't spoken at all. all these years i've been carrying around all these memories while everyone else was busy getting rid of them. i thought at some point i'd have the opportunity to recount them and by doing so, to unload my mind of these weighty tales. but no one else seems to remember as much as i do.

like the mock presidential campaign in 3rd grade, where j.j. was carter and i was mondale. like the driving instructor when we were 15 who said "full tank, full belly." like when adrian tanner turned around to me during texas history class and said, "when i first saw you, i thought you were geh."

the memory knife cuts both ways. just as i glory in the memory of rosa lara who spoke no english and pointed to my I.D. bracelet in sweet reference to my name, i also wince in the memory of getting caught peeing behind the outside staircase at colonial hills. almost at the same moment i'm remembering that terrifying werewolf nightmare from age 9, i'm remembering the exact feeling of riding back from river tubing in new braunfels, dusk, in the car of my brother's friend, listening to "this much is true" on cassette. the smell of the bathtub. the large plaster conehead my brother sculpted, and his imitations of his math teacher. the way i cried and almost peed my pants on that hot day when i wore that thick, scratchy knit shirt.

am i the only one glorying and wincing? do i have an elephantine conception of my past? am i indeed a sentimental fool?

happy moment

good view from our front patio.

at night i look at the graffiti on the side and back of the liquor store and see things that i can't make out during the daytime. at night i see a statue of liberty made of buildings, leaning forward as if retching, strange machinery coming out of its mouth.

but during the day i don't really see it anymore.

i just see blue sky.

dirt yard with scraps of grass here and there.

right now two vagrant-looking guys are leaning against the back wall with some bottles in their hands. they're talking loud but i'm listening to k'naan.

the desire to breathe into a happy moment, thereby perpetuating it. 

judging...judgment...judge

well, my first day of judging the middle school one-act plays is done. it was a fun day. i saw some good plays. watching 12 year-olds do drama and comedy onstage is really one of the finer things in life. it's something no one should miss out on, kind of like having a kitten. not giving birth to a kitten, but buying or acquiring one and watching it bound about.

my only regret about today, which is really something i have no control over, is that a friend of mine who is one of the directors wasn't given an award for his play, and i'm afraid it will damage our friendship. i felt that his play was lacking in its ability to let the characters interact truthfully and therefore to achieve an emotional impact. yes, we're talking about 12 year-olds and i took that into consideration. and there were so many things in the play that were great (i did give his play the 'best actor' award as well as two other acting awards), but there were other plays that achieved better results, and i had to stay true to my feeling on that. during my comments this friend of mine's face was quite stony. all i can do is hope that he will come around and be my friend again, despite my severe judgment of his work.

tomorrow i will see six more plays.

it is fun seeing them. the aspect of 'judging' is, after all, kind of gross and i don't like the way it makes me feel. ideally, in the future, i would like to be a 'clinic' judge instead, so that i don't have to choose winners and losers but can still see the plays and comment on them. that would suit me much better.

the judge

taking walks has always been nice. but these days it is more fun than ever.

this weekend i will be judging the middle school one-act play contest. i will see 13 40-minute plays and then decide who should get awards. the competition aspect of this event is both good and bad. on the good side, competition puts something very tangible at stake for the performers, causing their energy to rise and unite, under ideal circumstances. on the bad side, it is absurd to compete with plays because doing theatre isn't a competitive sport. it's too subjective for that. kinda like the oscars. so much is ignored, so much is overplayed, in the end it's just a big mess of pretend.

but i'm doing it. i participated in these contests as a student and as a teacher, so i'm 'qualified' to judge. right now it seems ridiculous. but it will be fun when it happens. i'm reading the plays now, preparing to see them on friday and saturday. 

there is an exhibit by czech theatre artist jaroslav malina at the mcnay museum. i will probably go today.

i'm gonna eat you up!

i know i already said this, but i'm saying it again...

the other night i walked to rehearsal at san pedro playhouse (i'm in beginning stages of rehearsal for a play called TAKE ME OUT, which is about a baseball player who comes out of the closet... i play his smitten business manager) and god i was so happy to be walking... there was a slight drizzle, and the houses were so amazing. looking at houses is deeply satisfying to me suddenly... wondering about the inhabitants, yes, but mostly just appreciating the architecture and thinking about the concept of human shelter and its accoutrements. sometimes i really want to eat the houses. consume them. you know, like how when you love a person or a pet and you just want to eat them up? like that. 

the title of this entry is what my grandmother used to say. but not in a scary way.

quarters overflowing in glove box

breaking old habits.

i'm still saving quarters in an altoids tin in my car, even though i now have a washer/dryer at my house.

i still save napkins, a habit i learned in russia because sometimes at people's houses they'd have newspaper squares for toilet paper.

i sleep better in my own bed.

i wash all my clothes together in hot water.

yesterday i rinsed out a toilet brush in the bathroom sink. david freaked out. i hadn't thought about it. i will never do it again.

valentine was a dick

are there things you think of, things you've done, that make you want to not live anymore?

i don't mean that you would kill yourself. but in the moment that you think about those things maybe you just wish that you could disappear from the earth, at least for a week or two.

everybody has those things. but i have an obsessive personality when it comes to personal mistakes: i flog myself for things i have done & said, things no one else even cares about anymore, if ever.

like telling robert tebbenkamp he needed to give his heart to jesus.

having my pants down when craig came back inside with the mail.

walking in on jean-jean's elderly mother when she was stepping out of the shower.

telling one friend another friend said he hated him, in front of all the friends concerned.

cramming a cream pie into shad willingham's face and nostrils.

hiding under the table while gannie searched for me frantically around her house.

just a two-week disappearance period. to clean the karma slate, penance, thoughtful reflection, time out, time alone.

thank god, and thank you charles darwin, whose 200th birthday (along with lincoln's, and wasn't obama's speech fantastic?) was this week, for evolution. thank god, the evolving god within the evolving me, for evolution. even though i have many of the same problems, issues and hang-ups i had 20 years ago, the last twenty years, this half-life, have brought me steps closer to enlightenment. 

my boyfriend is valentining it up. yesterday he made these sumptuous liquor-infused dark chocolate truffles, rolled in cocoa powder, with strawberry sauce. now he's in the kitchen fixing dinner. all i know is that salmon (one of my favorite things to eat) is involved. it is very exciting indeed.

though i appreciate the fact that this year i have an actual boyfriend on valentine's day (i don't remember the last time this happened), i send out my love today to those who don't have partners. i send out a wish that they will evolve one step toward understanding that they, themselves, without accompaniment, are damn good company.

screw st. valentine.

low ebb

i hear the chimes tinkling so sweetly outside my window.

at night i look at the graffiti wall across the street, while i'm smoking, and i see faces. during the day i look for the same faces and can't find them.

i sit there and think i should draw this.

i never do.

at least not yet.

my cat looks out this window all the time. it's like her TV.

i'm going to read.

you give me fever

the weather here has been beyond beautiful. cool in the mornings and evenings, warming up a little during the day. like truckee summers.

i have gained a new fondness for looking at houses. maybe it started when david and i were looking for a house to move into. as i take walks i look at houses. they tend to fascinate me. the living spaces of humans. garages and tiny walkways. patios and verandas. places where humans dwell, built in proportion to the human body. some of them have fallen into disrepair, or were never given much consideration. others appear to have been snatched from hollywood in 1947. some don't fit on their streets, but their presence on their streets enhances the streets they're on. i want to take pictures of the houses and draw them. the houses are precious, put a lump in my throat. the houses have been through a lot. sidewalks, too. i had an idea... but no, i'll keep the idea to myself until i try it out.

i got new glasses. they're small.

at last-- the keith haring pictures in the corner of my dining room decided to stay up on the wall, thanks in part to the scotch brand sticky squares i finally attached them with. there are 12 of them. i salvaged them from my old keith haring calendar book from 1998.

jan jan

lame postings lately!

i am in love with the new house, new boyfriend, and new president. (not necessarily in that order.) david has been in minnesota for a few days so freda and i have been batchin' it. yesterday she was surly most of the day, staying away from me (my theory is that she was in david withdrawal) until the evening, when without warning she leapt up on the couch and achieved full cuddlage immediately. since then she's been nice to me.

i have done a few things around the house since i've had so much time alone. i've put up some pictures/paintings in the dining room. i cleaned the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher (finally). i did some laundry. i swept the house. i guess that's it, though it felt like i did a lot more than that. 

the next play i'm going to be in is edward albee's THE GOAT. we start rehearsals at the beginning of april. last night we had auditions for the part of billy, the son. it got me excited about working on the play. it doesn't hurt that the director is very effusive about it, and his enthusiasm rubs off easily.

tomorrow is my second class at st. luke's, where i have been commissioned by a parent to put together the 5th grade play. as st. luke's is my alma mater (i went there for 4th & 5th grades), i found it difficult to refuse this job, and it doesn't hurt that the hours are minimal and the pay very good. i will meet with thirty-two fifth graders for one hour, once a week, until may. while watching TV last night, i heard the following phrase on some commercial: "kids learn by doing." i think that is very true, so i am planning to decide very soon on what we're doing and jump right in to rehearsals, teaching what i can along the way. 

president obama

i am so happy today.

the sun is shining, the air is cool, the sky is blue. i taught my first class at st. luke's this morning and it went well. and most of all, i am taking a deep clean fresh cool breath of air as i watch Barack Obama take on his role as our nation's leader.

update

on sunday i cleaned. swept. scrubbed. flushed. brushed. vacuumed.

now we're all moved in to the new house.

on monday we had a fight.

on wednesday i finally got my room set up. 

it is covered in memorabilia. it is cozy.