sunday quiet house

one of the devastating things about life is that such high and full hopes can be so quickly obliterated.

in relationships, though you may have huge vats of love for each other, a few nagging issues may ruin everything.

in other news...

today i walked along the refurbished north end of the riverwalk. it is, in a word, cool. there are many beautiful plants and flowers, exquisite landscaping. there are interesting under-bridge artworks, like large suspended fish and piped-in birdsong that echoes. there are terraces, benches, pagodas. it is beautiful. as the weather mildens (that's a word i just made up meaning "to become mild"), i will be spending more time on that new riverwalk branch, strolling, perhaps jotting down a note or two, maybe finding time to make a sketch.

conking

for the past several weeks my car has been on the verge of conking out.

is mercury in retrograde?

one morning david and i went to the bank and as we were pulling out of the parking lot onto the busy street we lost power. though i was pressing the accelerator, the car was sputtering and hesitating. luckily we made it into the median. we decided then and there immediately to go to stan's (remember--my polish mechanic?). stan looked at it, made a simple adjustment (something having to do with RPMs), and the car is working normally again.

i still love stan.

the aforementioned play, which i saw last night in austin, was a sort of rock opera fantasia with a lot of weird names. i went in with an open mind. i appreciated all the thought and hard work that went into it. but it wasn't my kind of thing. basically it boiled down to a lot of people singing dissonantly onstage in heavy makeup and costumes, the subject of their singing being power struggles and exotic names of potential destinations. beautiful lighting. well-funded. they must have a good grant writer...?

joan armatrading is blasting in the dining room. though the volume is a little much for me, i am grateful for a boyfriend who loves her as much as i do.

in the middle of our talk

marc finally called me and my phone conked out. it won't let me use it until it is charged to a certain capacity, i guess? anyway, sorry marc, i'll call you back when my phone is working again.

last night we walked to emily's for wine and project runway. it was fun. we snuggled with the puppies. on the walk home i danced in the street gaily. very gaily. it was a good release for me.

last week my external hard drive conked out. i was able to transfer all the information on it to a new hard drive. i have spent the past week organizing all the music on it. all the music is organized according to artist, except soundtracks, showtunes and compilations, all of which are organized by title of movie/show/compilation/person who made compilation.

compilation. compilation. compulsion. compulsion. compulsion.

i told beth i was spending time organizing my music on my external hard drive and she said, "it's sort of like your form of gardening. weeding, reorganizing, you're not getting enough light over here so i'll move you." she was right. it is like that.

tonight i am going with a friend to austin to watch a play called "the dragonfly queen."

bike satisfaction

in order to make the dream come sort of true, and to honor that cool guy i was riding bikes with in my dream, i walked my bike to the gas station and filled the tires and took a great lil' bike ride yesterday. i rode on down mccullough and turned right on east dewey, then left on ogden and stopped by david's old apartment, whose parking lot is now clean and paved. (that parking lot used to be so disgusting-- we think guys used to go there after the gay bars and get busy, because we'd always see used condoms lying around everywhere. one night david saw a guy naked in his car there.) then i continued on down ogden to the little park behind the gay bars and i circled around it (there were a few kids playing on the swingset and a couple of moms sitting at a table), then back onto ogden, took a right on locust and went all the way down to st. mary's, by the enchilada warehouse. at that corner there was a cab van waiting for someone in front of a house. he was on the phone shaking his head and gesturing toward the house. i went on past him all the way up st. mary's, which was almost deserted, to east craig, took a left and i was home. wow, it was a beautiful day, with huge clearly-defined clouds billowing in a cool blue sky.

me being with me

i dreamt that i was riding bikes with myself. i was me, and i was riding bikes with another guy that was me. and he was a really cool person to be with.

the psychological implications are almost insultingly overt.

nonetheless, in the dream, i realized the beauty of the situation, and how much i liked being with me, and i started sobbing out of pure joy. it was very moving. i was surprised when i awoke that i hadn't actually started crying in my sleep.

nine-nine-nine

it's september 9, 2009.

there may be logistical problems with president obama's policies. there may be financial conundrums he can't solve. maybe he has made too many concessions to the right. his health care plan may be criticized as a grab-bag of policies.

but what is most important to me about him is the direct human element he brings to an office i had grown up being at best indifferent to, at worst cynical about. what i mean by 'direct human element' is that it seems to me our president cares about people and people's issues. it seems he really has people's welfare in mind. in listening to past presidents, i found myself straining to understand them, relate to them, decipher them; i always wondered what ulterior motives they had. with president obama, it never crosses my mind-- for some reason, i trust him completely. when i listen to him, i understand. i agree. i am inspired.

i am still thrilled and inspired that barack obama is our president.

angst

i'm not exactly sure what happened last night.

when i first decided to quit teaching and focus on acting and directing, several people told me it was a risk. but the ones i remember said it in a tone of exhortation, like, "that takes balls!"

last night nothing happened, but as i was sitting there my framework seemed to gradually slip away and i experienced a profound terror, as if everything around me had suddenly revealed its true nature, and its true nature was much more shallow and mean than i had led myself to believe.

maybe i wandered out to the edge of the cliff and didn't realize it.

maybe i had too much wine (2 glasses?).

i am the kind of person who thinks that events have resonance beyond their visible action. but i don't know how to interpret this event.

i have so many desires and so much to give. yet i am crouching in the corner with my blankie.

it could have been just another coming of age moment where i am forced to grow up real quick-- like ripping the bandage off. it's less painful that way, finally.

bullet points

first: it doesn't take much to inspire someone. my more frequent blog updates are inspired in part by someone else's more frequent blog updates, which enrich my life.

second: i watched bunuel's 1977 film 'that obscure object of desire' the other day, and i liked it. it is the story of a rich man who falls in love/lust with his maid. the entire movie is spent with him pursuing her and her leading him on. all framed by the man telling the story to some strangers on a train. it is based on an old novel and was done as a silent film, i guess in the 20's? three clips of the original silent film are included on the criterion dvd.

third: as a kid, i loved to repeat phrases over and over, often applying a sing-song layer to the phrase. this made me an almost unbearable child, especially to my older brother, who must have wanted to strangle me after hearing me repeat "come...on...lar-ry, give... val... tro-phy" the 689th time. little did i know, however, that in becoming an adult actor, i would draw on my love of repetition to such a large extent. yesterday i did my first ever taping of a commercial for HEB. the commercials will not be shown on TV, but at an HEB pharmaceuticals convention. (HEB is a big grocery store chain in texas.) the three commercials i am doing (i did two yesterday and will do the third one on thursday) are spoofs of popular commercials for GEICO, swiffer mops, and verizon wireless. though they are not particularly creative or innovative in themselves, i had a blast doing them because of the sheer repetition. to do the same 30 seconds of text + action over and over 10 times? love it. also, the guys i was working with were cool and very relaxed, which made it even more enjoyable. so i have officially embarked upon my film career now. the repetition king is here, so watch out!

fourth: this morning our cat was jumping up on us in bed and meowing very insistently. she was using different techniques of meow, soft and whiny, loud and alarming. eventually i got up and followed her very excited trot into the kitchen. she had placed a dead roach right next to her food bowl at some point in the early morning hours. i can only assume it was a gift for us, because when i thanked her and stroked her she purred and began to eat her food, and didn't meow at us again.

revelation lunches

i have great lunches sometimes with people who inspire me. or, to be more precise, the communion between us inspires me. we talk about ideas, like synchronicity: yesterday, ben said he was at a friend's lake house, walking up from the shore and feeling sad and blah. suddenly he felt a sort of exciting streak of fear pass through him. he stopped walking and looked up behind him and a shooting star went streaking across the sky. he said "i'm sure it didn't mean anything, a lot of other people probably saw the same star and thought it meant something," and i said, "of course it meant something, you were the link between the star and your thought that gave it meaning."

during these lunches we talk about people who make things, about the therapy of making things, about the value of the process versus the product, about sitting and being still. we talk about breathing through the nostrils and how that practice makes time a relative element. we talk about physical awareness and how someone could sit for twenty minutes just focusing on their legs.

i love these lunches. i love being productive. i am struggling, i am perfectly content.

we talk about letting go of addictions, about surrendering to pure being and feeling what we feel, not trying to fill in any cravings but sitting with them. all these things touch on the ends of my nerves and travel through my body like electric impulses. it is fun to have these discussions. putting the ideas into practice is a little more challenging. can i sit with myself? can i overcome the addictions i have mindlessly fostered? of course i can.

i focus on a voice, my breath, my legs. i hear machinery roaring on the street. my cat calls out for me.

the dump(lings) of theatre

in total, i made over 350 little russian dumplings this weekend. that's the most i've ever made in one sitting. i had promised beth i'd wear a babooshka while making them, but forgot. i made the lame concession that i was wearing a babooshka of the soul. which, in some sense, i was.

it's good to drink beers while making pelmeni. so i think i probably drank 6 or 7 beers throughout the course of saturday's session, building up my alcohol level considerably for the party on sunday. by the time the party rolled around, though i was having occasional bouts of black-out, i was up and awake and non-vomiting till 3 am.

the show was received in a manner better than was expected. we sold out half the performances and made about 15 thousand dollars. even better, people who had never seen a chekhov play done and had misapprehensions about the viability of such a play were, i think, pleasantly surprised at the outcome. my favorite compliment was from a seasoned director named mary r., who said that we brought the play into present time.

she didn't mean we set the play in 2009, but that we made it relevant for contemporary audiences. for this i am deeply gratified.

in other news...

the annual theatre award ceremony that a certain slice of san antonio engages in is coming up in september, and the plays that have been nominated for honors were announced today. david and i were disappointed to see that THE GOAT was not nominated for anything. as far as i'm concerned, it was the best all-around theatre experience i've had, ever, in san antonio-- from quality of script to direction to fellow actors to tech support to design. so it's kind of a crock when that happens.

it's weird-- you work so hard on something and you pour so much of yourself into it, yet you just never know how it's going to be received. but like i told my students, if you're in theatre, you can never really believe what anyone tells you-- all you can rely on is how you feel about it, and even then, be wary... :-)

pel-o-rama

i made 280 dumplings yesterday, some of which david and i immediately boiled and ate. today we will make more. not sure how many people will come over tonight, but wouldn't want to run out.

quick demo.

ya stroyu zamki iz piska

for the closing of UNCLE VANYA, we will be having a pelmeni party at our house.

pelmeni are russian dumplings, traditionally made with ground beef. i use ground turkey and also spice it up with a lot of garlic and dill. they are served with sour cream and butter, and maybe a dash of vinegar, for that special edge. it's the one dish i know how to make, and i love making it, and i have sort of altered the recipe to my taste over the years...

i may start making them today... make a few batches today and freeze them, make a few batches tomorrow and freeze them, so that we'll have a huge quantity of pelmeni by the time sunday evening rolls around.

we will also get a lot of cucumbers and slice them thinly. sprinkle them with some salt, chopped dill and a little sour cream, voila, salad.

i have been putting together a music playlist for the party. it's mostly jazz, with some tom waits, seu jorge, boris grebenschikov and bjork thrown in.

vanya pics

pictures of our production of UNCLE VANYA:

Go to flickr.com and search lightswerve. It will tell you no matches were found. Click the word people, then lightswerve, and there they’ll be. Right click and save whatever you want. There are some really stunning ones.

backstage wonderings

for today's matinee i watched UNCLE VANYA from backstage. as i've mentioned before, i like seeing the entrances and exits and all the routines the actors and crew have fallen into. something is so satisfying to me about that aspect of the theatre-- the routine of it, how all these little pieces come together to make a well-oiled machine.

i find myself wondering what russians would think of this production.

i wonder if chekhov would like it.

yet again

another review.

this morning we were on Great Day S.A., one of those morning shows where girls chat about stuff. we did a little interview with the host and john & emily did a short scene from the first act of the play. the other guests on the show were a jazz quartet and some people made up for a zombie movie.

jazz,

zombies,

and uncle vanya.

my brain is synapsing to find hidden meanings and connections.

know what you want!

our production of UNCLE VANYA opens tonight. we have all worked so hard on it.

it's an interesting phenomenon: during rehearsal there was a constant sense of discovery, play, and spontaneity which made me feel like we were doing something very fresh and even edgy with this 1896 play. but when we got into the theatre and into set and costumes, the play took on a very traditional, conservative vibe. it was quite distressing for me. the set and costumes are both quite beautiful and add a certain weight of legitimacy to the play, but i could see the actors struggling under that weight to regain the identities we'd established during rehearsals-- those fresh, spontaneous people now heavily costumed and walking on hard, echoey platforms. as rehearsals continued, the actors acclimated and i began to see them shining through the set and costumes again, weren't overwhelmed by them. still, the technical elements are a little stiff, and i mark it as a lesson to remember in the future: know what you want! that age-old nugget of wisdom. know what you want.

here's a critical but well-written review.

fluid conveyor

a conduit.

the woman who ran the group home said it was called "stemming." i've never heard it referred to as such since. it was when one of the guys would start rocking rhythmically, or repeating a certain sound or motion or activity over and over again. i understand those guys. as i'm sitting on my bed right now, in the record texas heat, it feels good to move from the waist up in a circular motion. not because of the heat, but just because.

my boyfriend is making a russian "olivier" salad in the kitchen. we're taking it to a vodka party fundraiser for UNCLE VANYA tomorrow. this is a salad that i had many times while in russia, but never had the proper recipe for. it has potatoes, egg, ham, turkey, pickles, peas, onion, mayo, garlic. it is made up of simple ingredients but combines into a heavenly experience.

rehearsals for UNCLE VANYA could not be going better. we have been productive and i have been able to strike a balance between allowing the actors to play freely and providing them with a modicum of structure. so far it has been thrilling and fulfilling. everyone is the right age for his or her role. i have a girl of 22 playing sonya and a woman of 88 playing marina. it's wonderful. it is also helping me feel empowered about my abilities as a director, because i am directing both young as well as seasoned actors, and we all actually seem to be enjoying the experience! imagine that!

i have been enjoying music by a band called why?. the album i have is called "alocepia," which is the technical term for male baldness. the singer's voice sounds sometimes like they might be giants, but the music has darker subject matter. i have especially been enjoying one song called "fatalist palmistry," the first line of which is as follows: "I sleep on my back, 'cause it's good for the spine, and coffin rehearsal." one day i sang that line over and over in my car.

last night david and i went to the overtime theatre and saw an original show (they do only original/san antonio-based material there) called BUDDHA SWINGS!. it was a musical in 40's swing style telling the story of the buddha. i found it quite smile-inducing and joy-bringing, and it even made me want to go read up on his story myself.

last weekend we saw a play at AtticRep called BLACKBIRD. it is by scottish playwright david harrower. it was about a man and woman meeting in a trashy break room to talk, and as their talk unfolds you learn that the two of them had an intimate relationship when he was 40 and she was 12. he went to prison for 10 years and this play begins when she shows up unexpectedly at his workplace. it was a very complex, sad, sympathetic and ultimately devastating story.

i am reading a collection of short stories called HOW WE ARE HUNGRY by dave eggers. i am liking it a lot. i realize i like it because i think of things from it during the day, like how one character thinks another character over-romanticizes the idea of living abroad.

david and i liked the movie AWAY WE GO a lot.

i have been experimenting with pen and india ink.

my car is in the shop till tomorrow to get an oil leak and a door fixed.

take me out

looks like we sort of pulled it off. go figure.

(though san antonio theatre critics are known to be milquetoasty.)

follow-up

opening weekend went surprisingly well.

the replacement actor completely changed the atmosphere among the actors. he didn't do it intentionally; he is just such a different person that the change happened naturally. the mood lightened and it seemed everyone started having a lot more fun. 

i know i did.

just so you know...

THE GOAT closed and was a pleasure from start to finish.

now i'm in another play, a fun and insightful look at baseball, homophobia, racism and friendship called TAKE ME OUT. the production has been somewhat poorly organized from the beginning, and this past week it manifested a big piece of doo-doo.

the guy playing the lead, who was severely miscast and had chronic trouble remembering what we had done in rehearsal each previous night, WALKED QUIETLY OUT OF REHEARSAL AND DROVE AWAY IN HIS CAR... A WEEK BEFORE WE OPEN. he texted the stage manager, "i can't do this. i need out."

those of us left in the theatre sat stunned. some with incredulous smiles, some with angry grimaces, some simply flummoxed. the next day this annoying person who quit wrote us all an e-mail stating that he disagreed with the nudity in the play and the way the nudity was being dealt with. (the play features baseball players in shower scenes, and the nudity is valid because it clearly illustrates the vulnerability these macho men feel, both as men and as baseball players, in light of their teammate's recent outing of himself to the press.) this excuse put forth by the annoying person who quit was a complete fabrication and a flimsy one at that, to cover the fact that he couldn't retain any information about his blocking, entrances and exits, or even his intentions as a character within the play. what's more, he came to his final rehearsal high on pain killers, after some invasive 'surgery' the day before. quotation marks very intentional.

so he left.

oh my god, i thought. what's going to happen? i thought, "if he comes back, i don't know what i'll do. i'm so appalled and disgusted by his behavior, and my character is supposed to have a crush on his character... i won't be able to maintain onstage with him. i'll sneer, or maybe vomit!"

but what happened is good:

someone who has played the role before has been enlisted, for a moderate fee. he has come from out of town to bail us out of this problem. and he's right for the role! he's the right age, the right ethnicity, and a good actor to work with! 

so, whew. drama!

we open friday. i'll post a report (regardless of whether or not anyone even reads this anymore).