revelation

how much do you reveal to the world?
the world teaches us to build walls, not really to knock them down.
knocking them down would mean revealing, opening the way to potential chaos. it would mean making ourselves vulnerable-- vulnerable to attack, ridicule, to being ostracized. but aren't we also ostracized if we build walls? yes, but at least its an ostracism of our own, by our own choice, and not by someone else. there's a semblance of control.
how much do i reveal to the world?
mostly, i'm afraid of being classified or written off based on my revelations. the image that comes to mind is of someone dropping me in a small box and pushing me casually to the side, saying, "next." like when an acquaintance of mine said, "him? he's harmless."
and though my brain is fully capable of realizing that no one else matters, that everyone in the world could drop me in a box and push me to the side and it still wouldn't matter, i'm still aware of it, afraid of it.
i read a quote from playwright marsha norman where she said something like this: every time i write something, i look at it and say, 'have i written something that will humiliate me?'
the only way anything can be moving or lasting is if it comes from an impulse of revelation. something deep and personal must be revealed. this is true in theatre, in visual art, in music, and in everyday life. it's hard to do it in everyday life, because almost no one does it, and you usually feel like a freak to keep yourself open. it's unheard of. i feel that if i do it as a teacher i will be attacked, ridiculed, ostracized. and this gives me pause, even as i type.

part of a poem

an excerpt from rumi

An empty mirror and your worst destructive habits,
when they are held up to each other,
that's when the real making begins.
That's what art and crafting are.

A tailor needs a torn garment to practice his expertise.
The trunks of trees must be cut and cut again
so they can be used for fine carpentry.

Your doctor must have a broken leg to doctor.
Your defects are the ways that glory gets manifested.
Whoever sees clearly what's diseased in himself
begins to gallop on the way.

There is nothing worse
than thinking you are well enough.
More than anything, self-complacency
blocks the workmanship.

Put your vileness up to a mirror and weep.
Get that self-satisfaction flowing out of you!