Live Your Own Movie

Last summer I was asked to be in a few spoof commercials which were subsequently shown at an HEB convention. I really enjoyed shooting the commercials, and while we were shooting the third one, I made a conscious intention to do more film work.

At the new year 2010, instead of making any resolutions, I made a goal: to be in a movie in 2010. A couple of weeks later, I had a great audition in Houston for an interesting film about a lawyer fighting the medical supply system. Several weeks after that, I went to Austin to be seen for the role of Mattie Ross' dead father in the Coen Brothers' upcoming remake of True Grit. Then, nothing. My agent didn't even come see me in Waiting for Godot, and I had saved my comps for him. Jerk!

But about two weeks ago, my wayward agent got me an audition for a feature-length film being shot here in San Antonio. I read for the part of a psychiatrist to a young man who has something resembling schizophrenia and delusional disorder. I was able to read the screenplay and work on the audition scene for a few days before I auditioned, so by the time I went in, I felt comfortable, memorized, and was able to enjoy reading in front of the audition panel. The next day, the screenwriter (who is also starring in the movie) sent me a message, informing me that I had been chosen for the role.

There is great satisfaction in meeting a goal which, when it was made, seemed rather unrealistic. I am relishing the thought of being on a film set and learning all about how it works. The movie has a very low budget, but the filmmakers are serious and have experience in the field. One of the producers said it will be submitted to Sundance, and will have a wide distribution. Yesterday I went in to be measured for a costume, and seen for a makeup test. The day after tomorrow, we will have our first table read.

Do I need to mention I'm pretty jazzed about all this?

In other news, speaking of unrealistic goals, I am directing Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing for a local theatre company. I have a fantastic cast and design team, and we open in about a month. I am a little anxious about the set for the play, as my vision requires a surfeit of creative energy and specificity which, to my knowledge, hasn't been expended yet. I met with the lighting designer yesterday and am meeting again with the set designer today, and tomorrow we're all meeting together for the first time, for a production meeting. Almost every time I direct something, I doubt that it will come together: this feeling is nothing new. But this time, with this project, I do feel like the bar has been raised much higher than it was in the past.

Dream Power Activate!

I dreamt last night about dying, but it was so interesting how it happened. I knew I was going to die, and there were other people with me who were also going to die. I was afraid. I closed my eyes and made my body small, anticipating nothingness. But what happened was sort of like an alka-seltzer tablet when you drop it in water, the effervescent effect of bubbles and soda, my body and/or soul dissolving in a mass of effervescence, only to come right back into another reality. Rebirth through bubbles. It was not painful, though there was a sense of something burning away. And when I came back into another reality, I realized that the same circle of people were there as had been there in my previous reality. And it made me think, "I need to make peace with the people in my life, because they will always be here, somewhere." I realized that holding grudges or holding strange secrets are ridiculous in light of the next reality, where everything would be revealed and razed anyway. I woke up with my cat next to me, purring and loving me. I felt so renewed and strengthened and happy after this dream, and in this form of waking. I got up and put on my shorts and a shirt and my sneakers and I got my iPod in my ears and my wallet and an umbrella and went out for a walk. It was about 7 am I guess. It rained on me most of the way, residual from the hurricane they thought would blow through the oil spill, but didn't. I walked in the rain with Paul McCartney in my ears: "Any time, any day, You can hear the people say that love is blind, Well I don't know, but I say love is kind..." I walked down McCullough in puddles and drizzle and a couple of cars splashed me, and my sneakers and eventually all of me got soaked. I got a coffee at a Starbucks where my friend John works. I had been avoiding John because he had treated me negatively a while ago and I didn't want to ever talk to him again, and when I saw him a sort of fearful shiver went through my heart. I turned around to leave immediately, but then I remembered my dream, and how silly it would be to have that fear make me leave, how unnecessary. So I turned back around and got a coffee from him. There were no reunions or revelations, he treated me with his established mode of indifference, even calling me "sir" as he handed me my cup (politeness or coldness? doesn't matter). I walked back home in the rain, getting even more soaked. I was happy, there was life and energy, and effervescence.