blatant thoughts

when i first started blogging i was living in northern california. i had just watched a documentary on the donner party, so i named my blog The Forlorn Hope. (that's what one of the donner party called a last ditch attempt to get over the pass and find help, which wound up being successful.) the name i went by was Stupid Idiot. the name was meant as a joke and was satisfying to me on several levels, but people didn't like it, so one day when my self-esteem was high again i changed it.

in the years i've blogged i have rarely gotten much response on anything. the posting that was most popular by far was an account i wrote of a visit to the church i was attending, a united church of christ with a very liberal and eclectic way of worshipping. a friend of mine even had it published in an online newsletter about spirituality.

i don't write the blog in order to get responses, but it is always nice to see a comment here and there.

yet at the same time there is a level of internal censorship going on. i won't share absolutely everything, somehow thinking that would be naive and potentially damaging to my image or something. (it's vague as to what exactly would be damaged.)

i have suspected that i don't trust people very much anymore. i think several experiences during my formative 20's caused me to be suspicious, and guarded about what i disclose.

i remember how great and refreshing it was to start a new phase of journaling one summer when i was in wisconsin. my summer-fling boyfriend got a hold of my journal and wrote this in it: "What we are showing for the new section is only the most blatant thoughts. Out are the discussions plagued with paranoia of the possibility of other's reading the writings. For instance writing retractions or qualifiers is very last section. Broad generalizations are in for daily activity descriptions, but specific accounts of evening activities, divulging lots of detail is very this section. Pictures are classic and therefore always in."

this was a cool guy and i spent one of the best summers of my life with him.

of course he was talking about a private journal, not a public blog. but his assertions are noble ones. why journal at all if it's full of apologies, retractions, and holding back?