resistance

i've been noticing little ways that i resist everything-- i resist the pleasure of the moment by worrying about ten minutes from now. i resist healing by dwelling on the past. i resist so much every day without realizing it. it surely started out as a coping mechanism, a protection device put firmly in place after i got hurt or humiliated, until it just became part of my unconscious modus operandi. but now i'm becoming aware of it. 

they went back to school two days ago. i wonder how it's going. i've gotten reports here and there from different students... they've painted the drama hallway red. other stuff like that. i am deeply happy not to be there; at the same time i have some anxiety about my future and that is why i am realizing about resistance and how insidious it can be. 

you know, i'm really haunted by that goddamn aesop's fable about the grasshopper and the ants. was it a grasshopper? i think so. he spent the whole summer playing and making music while the ants worked. in winter he froze because he hadn't prepared. that thing really messes with me! that story of impending doom became a building block of my identity! 

of course a solid work ethic is important, chiefly because it gives one a sense of purpose. but that story is such scare tactics, and it's caused me, in the past, to not enjoy the current moment, worrying that if i have too much fun, i'll pay for it later. 

love and trust more; hate and resist less.

too much reality

ten years ago, sergei and yulia were visiting me in truckee. with dion, my native american friend, we went to a jump dance ceremony in happy camp. we drove to the coast and the redwoods. one night when we were driving home i hit a deer, grazed its back leg. it got up and ran away lopsided. i knew that deer was my spirit animal so i took it hard, trying to understand the spiritual implications of such an event. i never came to any particular conclusion. now as i look back i can see that my spirit was damaged during that trip with dion and my russian friends-- i felt torn between them, it wasn't harmonious. a couple months after sergei and yulia had flown home, i knew i had to heal and called the whole thing off with dion.

the other day while watching a documentary on sasquatch, i got excited when they interviewed people from happy camp. it's a very small town on the klamath river way up in northern california, not far south of ashland oregon. 

yesterday i read about edouard manet. we ate thai food. we watched LOST IN LaMANCHA and then the documentary CRUMB. i never considered CRUMB an overly depressing film, but watching it with someone else made me realize that it is pretty distressing. i believe david said, "too much reality!"

summer lovin'

it's already august. right now at 12:25 daytime, it's overcast and mild outside-- not really hot at all. it's been a quiet, pleasant saturday morning. it doesn't hurt that i'm in love. 

last night's opening went well, though i had to stop the show 5 minutes in because a screen onstage had not been removed and would have messed everything up. so we got rid of the screen and started again from the beginning. the show was passable, wasn't at its best, but that's usually true of opening nights anyway. as the actors settle into their routines and begin to feel more comfortable, the show will improve.

this week i got the pevear/volokhonsky translation of WAR AND PEACE. it's lovely to read it again 15 years later, and even better in this very conscientious and readable translation. i found an interesting article about this translation and another, both of which were released around the same time. 

tomorrow i have an initial meeting about the next play i'll be working on as an actor, tennessee williams' THE GLASS MENAGERIE. i'm looking forward to starting work on that.

my cat pooped in the corner of my room this morning because her litter box hadn't been changed in two weeks. i am usually very careful about changing it every week, so she's gotten used to a schedule, and that schedule was interrupted, so i didn't blame her for her actions. 

david is making biscuits and gravy and something else with onions that smells really good...