it was just so beautiful

why has my whole life taught me to hide the things that make me most unique, most myself?
why am i afraid of capriciousness and inconsistency, when i contain multitudes? (cf. yoes - whitman)
why am i afraid of destroying things, ruining things, by talking, by writing about them?
why am i afraid at all?
while i was in college i read a book called emmanuel's book, and it was the transcript of a woman speaking while channeling a spirit named emmanuel, who said that the universe was safe, that nothing could ever happen that would not lead to something better, denser, richer. emmanuel said that the entire life experience was a classroom and that everything we did here was best interpreted as learning, on the path to something great and wonderful.
it made me feel happy and gave me a sense of potential to believe that what emmanuel said was true. this happiness i felt encouraged me to live life more completely, less fearfully, feeling that everything i did had some positive resonance. regardless of the truth or falsity of emmanuel, the idea expressed caused me to live life more fully. this increase in fullness lent a truth to the idea that the idea may not have had before i believed in it.
but when you believe in a truth that no one else believes in, that makes believing in the truth more difficult. you have to concentrate on the truth and your pure response to it, as opposed to paying attention to others' responses to it.
fear, though it seems very real, is bogus.
i met joey online during the early part of june. we met face-to-face a few weeks later. our second date was the first day of a three-week getting-to-know-you relationship marathon. our relationship is continuing over a certain distance which we are able to bridge through phone calls, e-mail, and intuitive telepathic currencies. we have discussed all kinds of issues-- art, film, music, gays, straights, public displays of affection, war, drugs, and much more...
i have been reluctant to record my interaction with joey, for superstitious fears that actualization and sharing = demise of whatever was acutalized and shared. but i don't believe in this superstition anymore, as of today. and i am crazy about joey, and i want to say that out loud.