el eh

i went to los angeles for a weekend to visit my friend yulia. los angeles has always had a sort of loaded, semi-sinister connotation for me. whenever i've been there previously, i've felt like it was all about ego and money. it's the place where people go and mostly have their dreams broken. it's where you sell out, obsess about your body fat, and end up in porn. those were my broad and shallow preconceptions.
my weekend however was really interesting. i told yulia that even though i'd been to los angeles before, i felt like this was the first time i was really seeing it. she said that was because i was with her, someone i knew and trusted, so i was able to see it without feeling like i was in hostile territory.
my impression was that los angeles is like ten cities rolled into one. the diversity makes you unable to pigeonhole the city as any one thing. i didn't experience the entire city, but driving on sunset from west hollywood to the ocean gave me a good idea of several distinct neighborhoods and how different they are from one another.
activities: we ate russian food that yulia made, went to the park of five religions, went to a jazz club, sat on the beach, visited the getty center.
being with yulia, i was obliged to speak russian, which reactivated a part of my brain that hasn't been used in a long time. as a result of this renewed brain activity, my first night there was almost a sleepless one. i couldn't stop my brain, and the thoughts were mostly about breaking out-- breaking out of patterns, restrictions, comfort zones, suppositions. my life in san antonio seemed semi-dead and in need of examination. i needed to rid myself of all these possessions. i needed to make a change.
what's happened now that i'm back? i'm not sure yet. i need to continue preparing for the upcoming school year, and i need to keep reevaluating and writing about what i really want. it's scary how hard it is, the older i get, to break out of my comfort. though it was a nice feeling to know that coming back to san antonio felt like coming home, at the same time i feel a push to challenge my complacency here.