class, and no class

i don't want to put limitations on anyone. i may draw conclusions about you based on your behavior, but i am more than ready to be surprised by you.
on friday my second period theatre class challenged me. they challenged me all week by not doing their assignment, the conflict-objective monologue, which was due monday. i think only six of them did it on time. on wednesday quite a few more monologues trickled in, for partial credit. on friday there were six to eight more. one of them was david, a classic case of ADHD, who in one of his journals hypothesized that i must be on drugs ("no one is that calm"), and in his conflict-objective monologue not only pointed out one student's jewishness in a semi-offensive way, but also inferred that i was gay. i took it with a grain of salt and gave a little speech about having a classroom where it is safe to be exactly who you are, regardless of color, disability, religion, or sexual orientation-- but the dynamic in that class is complicated. a lot of apathy, a lot of chaotic energy, some good students who are mostly quiet. it could be an amazing class if i could figure out how to orchestrate it. a bit after david's monologue, i saw that joe was listening to his ipod. when i asked him to hand it over, he was resistant and questioned me. i said, "i'm the teacher, you're the student, it's the rules, hand it over." he eventualy gave it to me, muttering "fucking asshole" under his breath. i don't think anyone else heard it. my way of dealing with that was to open up a discussion about our class and to ask them for comments on what was going on. i quickly learned that this was a mistake on my part, as the critical comments began to fly. "why are we spending so much time on these monologues?" "you're too uptight." "why can't we sit where we want to?" "why can't we chew gum?" "you're not strict enough." tons of conflicting messages began to soar through the air like arrows carelessly aimed at my heart. i eventually called the conversation to a halt, in order to get back to the business at hand. toward the end of class i talked to joe about his comment and how unfair and damaging it was. he apologized, and i will be semi-interested to see if he changes at all.
it took me a while to detox after class. maybe my willingness to hear their critiques (as misguided and infuriating as most of them were) will have some positive effect on those in the class who actually do care. one kid john gave me a letter stating that he thought the way i was running the class was perfect just as it was. that was appreciated.
how will i handle them on tuesday? i have some ideas-- a time at the beginning of class to let out hidden aggressions physically-- to engage these emotions and express them through bodies and voices. maybe some music during warm-ups would help, though i've found that music usually just opens up more possibilities for offensive critiques. maybe i can relate more personal stories, things that happened to me when i was their age that they'll be able to relate to. as always, i relucantly accept the challenge.
i want to be surprised by them. i find myself in that difficult place between severity and submission. i have already drawn judgments on the ones who have shown resistance in the mask of apathy. but god, how i would love it if something in my class allowed them to drop that mask and they just surprised the hell out of me.

where is the line?

today i slept in. got up around 10? didn't have to look at the clock so didn't really pay attention to the time. watched a back issue of "project runway" where they're in paris. then i went to see my brother play tennis. he's in a tennis league and was in a tournament. it was fun watching him play, even though he lost. later we met our parents for dinner, then went to half price books. i got a play by horton foote called the last of the thorntons i think. couldn't pass it up.
then we went and saw a movie called half nelson. it's about a high school history teacher who has a drug problem. he becomes close to a student after she finds him high on crack. my brother and i are both high school teachers. he teaches math and i teach theatre. the film struck us each in different ways. as we left my brother said "i wouldn't want to sit through that again. it was too realistic for me." i felt a little indignant at this statement, not really understanding what "too realistic" means, especially when applied to this movie. not long ago i had the realization that my personality is partly based on things that i have to suppress. i wondered what i would be like if there had been less suppressions in myself and my life. a different person in many ways. being a teacher means you have a certain responsibility to be "upstanding" or "virtuous" for your students. there is merit in this thought. but half nelson speaks of a wholeness in people and specifically in one teacher, a wholeness which ironically reveals brokenness.
i thought of a conversation i had with fran last week about brokenness, and how that seemed to be one of the most integral human qualities you could possibly identify. how much of my brokenness am i allowed to show my students? how much of my wholeness (brokenness) is helpful for them, and where is the line when it becomes too much wholeness (brokenness) and it is no longer helpful for them? in the film there's a short scene in the classroom where the teacher is teaching yin/yang, duality within the whole. strangely, the concept of yin/yang came up in my class this past week too, in response to a journal prompt we had called "things that annoy me." why is conflict important?, i asked. someone said, if there were no sadness, there would be no possibility for happiness. as a teacher i have been put in a position to hide myself. i think that i reveal more of myself than most, but i also have fears about misleading the students, or being too much a "friend" instead of a teacher.
i have no answers for any of this, but i was inspired by half nelson and would recommend it for any teacher who wants to strive to bring his or her authentic truth to the classroom. i will continue to understand what this means, and i will strive to be honest and as true as i can, because anything less is a cheat.
this link was at the end of the credits for half nelson: www.dialectics4kids.com

new shoes and unfunny comedy

one of my students works at a shoe store in an outdoor mall here. i went to visit him at work last night because he told me he was saving a pair of shoes for me that he thought i might like. he even went so far as to photograph the shoes on his phone so that i could see them. so, last evening when i left school at 6:30, i went to his store and tried the shoes on. they're dark tan leather, very plain, with the seam down the center, with a flat rubber sole. there's something hilarious about them, because of their sheer unassuming utility. i bought them. he used his employee discount.
that same student had loaned me a cd: david cross's "it's not funny," long ago, before the summer, and it had sat on my desk for months. when i got home with my new shoes last night, i listened to it, finally. cross's humor is designed chiefly to shock (racism, abortion and poverty jokes), but he also expresses himself very well in regards to our government, putting into words a certain level of incredulity about the current administration that i think we all feel. it was satisfying to listen to him. i did laugh out loud two or three times while listening to the cd, but mostly i sat and quietly appreciated it, feeling vicariously vindicated in some small way. cross's unfettered criticism of our country, though i wouldn't say it gives me hope, makes me appreciate freedom of speech, and how important and precious it is.

letting go now, letting go now, letting everything go now

going to budiful buda this weekend for another speech tournament.
a lot of the kids aren't prepared. many of them started memorizing their pieces on wednesday.
so much for my new hackneyed motto: quality over quantity.
i'm seeing it as an opportunity to ... (deep breath in through nostrils, then out) let go.
one duet team is doing lanford wilson's burn this, the eighties vehicle for joan allen and john malkovich. when i was in college the rumor was that the joan allen part was written for one of our guest teachers, who was a close friend of lanford wilson's. she was a movement teacher who did weird esoteric exercises with us, like sitting completely still while saying "now you get taller and now you get shorter and now you get taller and now you get shorter..." there was another one where you'd have to stand at the bottom of an imaginary pit and look up at the sky. and of course the soothing voice of relaxation, which is the title of today's entry.

confession

bless me father for i have sinned. it's been two weeks since my last posting.
1. there's a low hum in my apartment this morning. i thought it was the fridge, but it wasn't. i put my ear up close to every possible appliance. i'm still not convinced it's not the fridge. i'm weird.
2. yesterday fran, marc and i saw leonard cohen: i'm your man. i liked it. it was basically a tribute concert for cohen interspersed with interviews with him, images of him. all three of us agreed that antony's song was probably the best, with martha wainwright coming in a close second. the only part i didn't really like was toward the end when leonard finally sang, backed up by the ever-narcissistic u2. poor guys. their music is probably fine, but their images are so overcooked. i'd like to see them put on some cone-shaped devolution hats and stop taking themselves so fuckin seriously for a change.
3. i caught a cold last week which is still slightly lingering and kept me home on friday for some much-needed rest. as yesterday was labor day holiday, this will be a short week.
4. school is going well. i'm really enjoying my new schedule, more time with the advanced students. one of my theatre arts I classes is rambunctious, but i'm jivin with it. yes, you heard me right. uh, excuse me miss, i speak jive.
5. finally, i had a pulchritudinous massage yesterday. it's rockin my chakras.