i love theatre. tonight our seagull opened. there were a few flubs, it wasn't perfect, everyone did a wonderful job, and i went home feeling really empty.
why?
maybe just the first pangs of post-partum depression. after working on this play for so long it may be difficult for me to come to terms with this phase of the process.
but sitting in the audience, giving up control, hearing reactions of those around me, wincing through the mistakes, smiling at the surprises... i wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
one of the moms was even crying at the end, because she was moved by the play.
i wish i were better at publicity, and could fill a theatre. seagull isn't much of a crowd-pleaser, at least not on this side of the atlantic... but i'm hoping we'll have fuller houses these next five performances.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
pascal
"If there are not infinite chances of losing compared to winning, do not hesitate. Stake it all. You're obliged to play, so renounce reason if you value your life."
-Blaise Pascal
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
dad thing
freda paws me gently for attention.
tonight my dad said something to me that he'd never said before. in the restaurant parking lot, he emphatically said, "you're doing good. you're doing good." i believe he meant i was doing well, but grammar nitpicking aside, i think he was exhorting me, and the slightly declarative way he said it made me do a double-take.
i had to agree with him. "yeah, i am," i said, raising my eyebrows in disbelief. despite my hellish second period class, various chemical dependencies, still being single at 38, and increasing bitterness against humanity, i'm doing great. my job is the most rewarding and challenging (and painful) job i've ever had. i'm learning like crazy. there's an active dynamic going on.
but there's also a feeling that a foundation is being laid for me right now-- not career-wise, necessarily, but a personal stability i'm beginning to find on a day-to-day basis. i'm not sure if i truly believe this last statement. maybe i'm trying to convince myself of it by writing it down.
my dad grows emotionally softer with each passing year. he has begun speaking about his feelings more. but the directness and sureness he spoke with tonight was something different, and i think the way i listened to him was different too. better.
today i like growing up.
tonight my dad said something to me that he'd never said before. in the restaurant parking lot, he emphatically said, "you're doing good. you're doing good." i believe he meant i was doing well, but grammar nitpicking aside, i think he was exhorting me, and the slightly declarative way he said it made me do a double-take.
i had to agree with him. "yeah, i am," i said, raising my eyebrows in disbelief. despite my hellish second period class, various chemical dependencies, still being single at 38, and increasing bitterness against humanity, i'm doing great. my job is the most rewarding and challenging (and painful) job i've ever had. i'm learning like crazy. there's an active dynamic going on.
but there's also a feeling that a foundation is being laid for me right now-- not career-wise, necessarily, but a personal stability i'm beginning to find on a day-to-day basis. i'm not sure if i truly believe this last statement. maybe i'm trying to convince myself of it by writing it down.
my dad grows emotionally softer with each passing year. he has begun speaking about his feelings more. but the directness and sureness he spoke with tonight was something different, and i think the way i listened to him was different too. better.
today i like growing up.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
fey
i've been walking to work more because the weather is finally cool. it feels great, and i live so close that even if i'm tired after school i still enjoy the little jaunt home. the ipod helps spice things up of course. yesterday while walking i felt very youthful.
later, after my bones had a chance to settle and i had filled my belly with tacos, i lit a smoke (yes, occasionally) and went to get my mail. as i walked from the mail kiosk back to my apartment i felt very old.
a friend told me when i was nineteen that i seemed more like forty. she didn't go into detail about that comment, so i've never known what she meant. maturity? restraint? early mid-life depression? i did take it as a compliment at the time, not sure why. now that i'm almost forty (have about a year and a half to go) i should know what it feels like to be forty. or does that mean i'm sixty now?
my second period class was eerily well-behaved this week. maybe they slashed my tires.
on an interview, dick cavett referred to john huston as fey. my aunt used that word to describe me once, so i looked it up. interesting.
later, after my bones had a chance to settle and i had filled my belly with tacos, i lit a smoke (yes, occasionally) and went to get my mail. as i walked from the mail kiosk back to my apartment i felt very old.
a friend told me when i was nineteen that i seemed more like forty. she didn't go into detail about that comment, so i've never known what she meant. maturity? restraint? early mid-life depression? i did take it as a compliment at the time, not sure why. now that i'm almost forty (have about a year and a half to go) i should know what it feels like to be forty. or does that mean i'm sixty now?
my second period class was eerily well-behaved this week. maybe they slashed my tires.
on an interview, dick cavett referred to john huston as fey. my aunt used that word to describe me once, so i looked it up. interesting.
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