Sometimes all you can say is, What The FUCK

I don't want to write right now, but I feel that I should.

Right now I am:

Sad

Confused

Disappointed

Dejected

Enraged

For about a week now, I have been trying to contact someone from the film I was cast in, to get information about when and where my scenes would be shot. In the meantime I have been working on my scenes diligently. They're all memorized, messed with, adapted, personalized. I feel close to this guy.

I have been building my hopes on the assurance that I set a goal and met it.

I just talked to a producer of the movie (I had to track him down), who told me I had been replaced, about a week ago. According to the producer, a "big-name" actor who had been offered the role a while back became available, so they decided to use him instead.

No one called to tell me this.

I have so many questions, so many insecurities cropping up. But mostly, I feel like a chunk of my heart has been torn out.

I know that in the future this will seem like a minor event, and I will see how everything fits together for the best, but right now I am devastated and hurt. And I don't know if this helped, to write about it. What I'm really feeling is kind of ineffable.

Was I too eager?

Too elated?

Did I not read well at the table read?

That one producer didn't like me, I could tell.

FUCK YOU for making me ask these questions, you fucking god damned whores.

That's all for now.