Understanding

I don't really think that understanding life and people is a possibility. I say this because the older I get, and the more I ostensibly understand, the more I realize I will never really understand much of anything. Humans are a puzzle. Existence is a big mystery.

One of the few things I have come close to understanding is that life seems to be mostly about balance-- striking a balance in almost every situation, staying true to your vision and at the same time being open to compromise. As my yoga teacher told me, everything in moderation, nothing in excess.

However, a problem I often encounter is one of empathy: I can almost always see a situation from each point of view. Though this is in many respects a strength, it becomes a problem when I am tasked to make a decision. Each party has a point. One party will be the winner while the other party will lose. In this case, balance is almost a crippling attribute-- just as I comprehend the sweetness of victory, I am struck down by the bitterness of failure.

I am understanding Buddhist philosophy more these days as being less spiritual/esoteric and more physical/practical. Getting worked up about things, desires, expectations and grievances, is hard on a body. Detachment is more health-friendly. During the last week of MUCH ADO rehearsals, I had heart pangs several evenings, and one evening I even felt numbness in my fingers and shooting pains down my left arm and shortness of breath. Everyone must have been wondering why, in the midst of all that chaos, I was yawning... the body's attempt to get oxygen, to slow me down, to detach.

This week I started classes at St Luke's, where I am teaching 3 times a week. I was quietly excited about our first class and had a great lesson plan prepared. Imagine my surprise when there was an all-school assembly during the hour that was supposed to be my first class, an assembly no one had bothered to tell me about. I sat there dejected, puzzled, waiting for my class to show up. It was fortunate that three seventh-grade girls did come to my class, either rejecting or, like me, not knowing about the assembly, and we had a great mini-class together. Today I'll have my second class, and though I shirk expectation of all kind (yeah, right!), I do look forward to a larger attendance. But really, there are only 13 kids in the class, so 3 is not that far off.