advice

if your foot falls asleep, shake it violently before standing up.
if your ballpoint pen is broken, buy seven more and hide them under your bed. use them one at a time, only as needed.
if you become jealous frequently of persons living or dead, stare in the mirror and repeat to yourself "I'll soon be dead," over and over.
if your legs are wooden, cut them off and burn them in the woodstove downstairs. make sure they burn completely. sit nearby and feel the heat.
if your hair is greasy, wash it in the sink.
if the music you listen to depresses you, stick your head out the window and watch the droplets from your wet hair fall down to the sidewalk below, making little splatters on the concrete.