the death of passive

a phrase in my mind: "because of my inherent passive nature." but it's not inherent. as a kid i was demanding, prone to tantrums. what broke me?

what broke me: my dawning awareness (right around fifth-sixth grade) of the unacceptability of my attractions; my upbringing with an emphasis on decorum and politeness; my dad's and brother's harsh judgements on me and my consequent hyper-sensitive reaction of withdrawal from any position that might open me to criticism...

but on an unbroken level, a positive level, i became aware around age twenty of the beauty of quietness, of humility, of the power in observation. i began to prioritize. less and less seemed worth fighting for. when something is taken away, something else always replaces it. there is a lot of loss in this life, yes, but we keep losing things because there are always more things to have. and by things, i mean Things, everything-- joy, pride, shame, grief, contentment, jobs, friends, creations. it's all temporary and it's all in a state of flux, so why hold on so tight? why fight for something that's going to go away? ...this is not cynicism, not complacency or giving up. i see it as wise evolution.

at my best, i am internally expansive. i am large enough to step back and let your largeness through.

this is complicated. as i try to write about it i find myself stymied by all the definitions my thoughts are branching out with, like the word "sublimate." i thought of myself sublimating. i looked it up: 1. Chemistry. To cause (a solid or a gas) to change state without becoming a liquid. 2. Psychology. To modify the natural expresssion of (an instinctual impulse) in a socially acceptable manner.

does my quiescence (a prettier word than passivity) have to do with social acceptance? i don't think so; if anything, being assertive is more socially acceptable. kind of like going to war is more acceptable than going to peace.

fran has pointed out that passive people get their way more often than aggressive people. that there's something selfish about their self-sacrificing posture. it's been true for me-- the idea that you catch more bees with honey. but it seems more true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

what i do, what i am, is not adequately defined by passive or quiescent, because in those words there is a component of inaction. my position, my positivity, is fluid; it doesn't change from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid; it does not sublimate. let me redefine: i am adaptive, creative, thoughtful, cooperative, blessed with increasingly graceful flexibility.

it's not all pretty. at my worst i feel overlooked, ignored, misjudged, disrespected. i may feel i'm missing out on opportunities as a result of my cooperativeness. i may have repressed things that would have been better coming out into the open.

so...

i am redefining according to my standards during this 38th year of life. i am by all means creating the most ideal person i can imagine. i am defining what i am specifically, and without the aid of others. i am becoming conscious of definitions i have accepted, and i am now redefining. i am remembering how i have been defined and how i have defined things and i am making a beautiful move to consciously redefine.