church

i am probably stating the obvious, but that's never stopped me before: there is no paucity of churches in san antonio, texas. driving east on loop 1604 this morning i passed at least eight churches, at least four of which had huge tall signs, easily visible from the highway, with those electronic scrolling words on them. i wondered what the leaders of the churches were thinking when they purchased those scrolling words signs.
i thought of a few possibilities:
PASTOR 1. a scrolling words sign will catch the attention of drivers by. even if they don't come in, they'll know we're here because our sign will have made an impression.
PASTOR 2. it will make our church seem more modern, up-to-date, encourage a younger crowd.
PASTOR 3. the scrolling words sign is an evangelical move. mark my words, some heathen is going to be driving down loop 1604 and he is going to see the scrolling words sign and he will suddenly want to pull into the parking lot.
just some ideas.
it had been a while since i went to church. last time i went was to my parents' church, a conservative baptist church in a small town, to hear their new pastor talk about his recent mission trip to russia. being something of a russophile myself, i decided to go hear what he had to say. he mostly talked about how communism had crushed religion and the spirit of the people and how they don't have hot water and how their toilets aren't clean. he talked about what they didn't have. he didn't mention the spiritual richness, the overwhelming generosity of russians, the resilience, the avid conversation, the intense day-to-day zest for life. he only talked about what we can give them (cleaning products, cheetos, burgers), not what they can give us (a deeper way of living and looking at life).
so i went to this other baptist church today. my sister-in-law wanted to go to this church since she read this book and gave me a copy. this minister has a widely-admired website. the service was informal, quite simple, and i felt it chipping away at the stone in my heart. the children were loud, the accompaniment cd skipped, there were a lot of prayer requests, and i verged on tears a couple of times. this happens to me increasingly often in church-- i find part of myself melting away (usually through my eyes) and another part of myself, a deeper, more intractable part, being chipped away at. there's a hardness inside me that is cynical, stubborn, judgemental.
but my heart is also soft, and fills up and overflows, and i see someone precious across the worship room nodding at something the minister said, and the way he stuttered on that word made me notice how human he is, and the girl sitting next to me is biting her nails and dropping them on the floor, and that's great too. i'm getting older and it's nice to be in church again, noticing.
the minister talked about the way christians need to avoid smugness, especially in their conception of who jesus is. he will usually surprise you, as he surprised so many people in those stories in the bible. and if he came back today, who would recognize him? perhaps more importantly, who would he recognize as his?
something in me has grown immune to the old vocabulary of jesus, the talking about his dying for me, the cross, the "he is worthy" ten-minute hymn by sandi patti. discussions of jesus leave me nowhere, especially when the discussions involve the word "if" and "when." maybe i'm fooling myself, but i've been around jesus for a while, and my faith is increasingly integrated into here and now. i don't talk about christianity, i don't bring up jesus, but i believe the spirit i perceive as jesus (and some of the lessons jesus lived) is currently being learned, or grappled with, or applied, in me. that is my version of faith.
you will never see me post a scrolling words sign outside my door. if i had one i wouldn't know what to put on it (COME IN FOR EARLY MORNING ANGST ... PRAISE THE CAT ... ?). but if you come in you will find avid conversation, generosity, and a unique, if quiet, zest for life.