sudden doubts

a strange paranoia? it puts nervous springs in my heart:
as if, without a conscious effort, i am distancing myself from everything that loves me.
during a phone conversation i stick my hand in my coat pocket and crumple up what feels like a brittle old piece of paper. dropping it on the ground, seeing it blow away, i see it's a dried purple orchid i'd saved.
students don't approach me; there's something in my demeanor-- the negative side of a magnet. i repel approachers.
tonight i watched the play from the catwalk, above the actors' heads. i admired the little details you can't see from the audience-- one actress playing with a stuffed animal on the bed, an intimate moment between estranged spouses, an actor having a private moment with an empty bottle in the dark.
in the lobby during intermission i am surprisingly candid with a parent. i tell him i'm insecure and that i never feel proud for very long, but i'm working on that. then i walk away without further comment, as if i had something important to accomplish.
i look forward to being alone in my apartment, and as i drive into the complex i see colored christmas lights on the trees. as i drive nearer i see that none of them are colored-- they're all white lights.
how did i see that?
what did i expect?
when do we ever really see what's happening?