i passed my PPR exam with a "total scaled score" of 255. i have no idea what that means, but to have passed is a little relief. now i must get down to work on these irritating book studies!
i was asked to be in a play in the summer. i'm excited about it. (the link is representative of the play, not the location.) :-)
happy spring break.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
squids 'n' squirrels
various tidbits:
took 27 students to the state speech tournament in pharr-san juan-alamo. we did well, getting many students to semi-finals in various events, several to finals, and had a state champ in two categories (humorous interpretation and original oratory). we took a big charter bus, which was fun. on the way back we watched STAR WARS and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. i sort of slept through most of it, as we were driving home in the wee hours of the morn. but it was cool to wake up occasionally to the comfortingly familiar snippets of dialogue and to the loveable gargle of chewy's voice.
left my car with my parents over the weekend and they gave me an early birthday present: new tires, an oil change, and an inspection sticker. seeing as i got a $250 speeding ticket on tuesday, i was extremely grateful to have some assistance in the automotive area. when i went out to my parents' house to pick up my car this afternoon, my mom told me that my sister is worried about her. apparently mom gave my nieces each a pez dispenser, telling them she'd wished she'd given them their presents before easter. this was an odd comment, said my sis, since easter hasn't happened yet. mom laughed to me that it was just a slip in holidays, that the pezes were valentines presents, and besides, they were shaped like bunnies, so the slip-up wasn't all that alzheimeresque. later, dad commented to me privately that mom has been forgetting things lately, like the name of the school where my brother teaches. dad thought maybe the anaesthesia from mom's recent operations has had a negative effect on her memory. i've never heard of anaesthesia causing memory lapses. has anyone else ever heard of this happening? to me, mom has always been a little scatterbrained in terms of her memory of proper names and inconsequential details; it seems like nothing new. but dad seemed to think that she's been worse lately...
how 'bout those oscars? my favorite part was lily tomlin and meryl streep introducing robert altman, and altman's speech. my least favorite part was CRASH winning best picture.
on wednesday i have jury duty. i've never had to serve before. we'll see if i get any good, postable stories from the experience.
next week is spring break!
to people who pray, in whatever form that prayer takes: send out some healing vibes to floridian friend ET and her brother mike, who is struggling with cancer. all possible positive energy to you, my friends!!!
took 27 students to the state speech tournament in pharr-san juan-alamo. we did well, getting many students to semi-finals in various events, several to finals, and had a state champ in two categories (humorous interpretation and original oratory). we took a big charter bus, which was fun. on the way back we watched STAR WARS and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. i sort of slept through most of it, as we were driving home in the wee hours of the morn. but it was cool to wake up occasionally to the comfortingly familiar snippets of dialogue and to the loveable gargle of chewy's voice.
left my car with my parents over the weekend and they gave me an early birthday present: new tires, an oil change, and an inspection sticker. seeing as i got a $250 speeding ticket on tuesday, i was extremely grateful to have some assistance in the automotive area. when i went out to my parents' house to pick up my car this afternoon, my mom told me that my sister is worried about her. apparently mom gave my nieces each a pez dispenser, telling them she'd wished she'd given them their presents before easter. this was an odd comment, said my sis, since easter hasn't happened yet. mom laughed to me that it was just a slip in holidays, that the pezes were valentines presents, and besides, they were shaped like bunnies, so the slip-up wasn't all that alzheimeresque. later, dad commented to me privately that mom has been forgetting things lately, like the name of the school where my brother teaches. dad thought maybe the anaesthesia from mom's recent operations has had a negative effect on her memory. i've never heard of anaesthesia causing memory lapses. has anyone else ever heard of this happening? to me, mom has always been a little scatterbrained in terms of her memory of proper names and inconsequential details; it seems like nothing new. but dad seemed to think that she's been worse lately...
how 'bout those oscars? my favorite part was lily tomlin and meryl streep introducing robert altman, and altman's speech. my least favorite part was CRASH winning best picture.
on wednesday i have jury duty. i've never had to serve before. we'll see if i get any good, postable stories from the experience.
next week is spring break!
to people who pray, in whatever form that prayer takes: send out some healing vibes to floridian friend ET and her brother mike, who is struggling with cancer. all possible positive energy to you, my friends!!!
Sunday, February 26, 2006
the death of passive
a phrase in my mind: "because of my inherent passive nature." but it's not inherent. as a kid i was demanding, prone to tantrums. what broke me?
what broke me: my dawning awareness (right around fifth-sixth grade) of the unacceptability of my attractions; my upbringing with an emphasis on decorum and politeness; my dad's and brother's harsh judgements on me and my consequent hyper-sensitive reaction of withdrawal from any position that might open me to criticism...
but on an unbroken level, a positive level, i became aware around age twenty of the beauty of quietness, of humility, of the power in observation. i began to prioritize. less and less seemed worth fighting for. when something is taken away, something else always replaces it. there is a lot of loss in this life, yes, but we keep losing things because there are always more things to have. and by things, i mean Things, everything-- joy, pride, shame, grief, contentment, jobs, friends, creations. it's all temporary and it's all in a state of flux, so why hold on so tight? why fight for something that's going to go away? ...this is not cynicism, not complacency or giving up. i see it as wise evolution.
at my best, i am internally expansive. i am large enough to step back and let your largeness through.
this is complicated. as i try to write about it i find myself stymied by all the definitions my thoughts are branching out with, like the word "sublimate." i thought of myself sublimating. i looked it up: 1. Chemistry. To cause (a solid or a gas) to change state without becoming a liquid. 2. Psychology. To modify the natural expresssion of (an instinctual impulse) in a socially acceptable manner.
does my quiescence (a prettier word than passivity) have to do with social acceptance? i don't think so; if anything, being assertive is more socially acceptable. kind of like going to war is more acceptable than going to peace.
fran has pointed out that passive people get their way more often than aggressive people. that there's something selfish about their self-sacrificing posture. it's been true for me-- the idea that you catch more bees with honey. but it seems more true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
what i do, what i am, is not adequately defined by passive or quiescent, because in those words there is a component of inaction. my position, my positivity, is fluid; it doesn't change from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid; it does not sublimate. let me redefine: i am adaptive, creative, thoughtful, cooperative, blessed with increasingly graceful flexibility.
it's not all pretty. at my worst i feel overlooked, ignored, misjudged, disrespected. i may feel i'm missing out on opportunities as a result of my cooperativeness. i may have repressed things that would have been better coming out into the open.
so...
i am redefining according to my standards during this 38th year of life. i am by all means creating the most ideal person i can imagine. i am defining what i am specifically, and without the aid of others. i am becoming conscious of definitions i have accepted, and i am now redefining. i am remembering how i have been defined and how i have defined things and i am making a beautiful move to consciously redefine.
what broke me: my dawning awareness (right around fifth-sixth grade) of the unacceptability of my attractions; my upbringing with an emphasis on decorum and politeness; my dad's and brother's harsh judgements on me and my consequent hyper-sensitive reaction of withdrawal from any position that might open me to criticism...
but on an unbroken level, a positive level, i became aware around age twenty of the beauty of quietness, of humility, of the power in observation. i began to prioritize. less and less seemed worth fighting for. when something is taken away, something else always replaces it. there is a lot of loss in this life, yes, but we keep losing things because there are always more things to have. and by things, i mean Things, everything-- joy, pride, shame, grief, contentment, jobs, friends, creations. it's all temporary and it's all in a state of flux, so why hold on so tight? why fight for something that's going to go away? ...this is not cynicism, not complacency or giving up. i see it as wise evolution.
at my best, i am internally expansive. i am large enough to step back and let your largeness through.
this is complicated. as i try to write about it i find myself stymied by all the definitions my thoughts are branching out with, like the word "sublimate." i thought of myself sublimating. i looked it up: 1. Chemistry. To cause (a solid or a gas) to change state without becoming a liquid. 2. Psychology. To modify the natural expresssion of (an instinctual impulse) in a socially acceptable manner.
does my quiescence (a prettier word than passivity) have to do with social acceptance? i don't think so; if anything, being assertive is more socially acceptable. kind of like going to war is more acceptable than going to peace.
fran has pointed out that passive people get their way more often than aggressive people. that there's something selfish about their self-sacrificing posture. it's been true for me-- the idea that you catch more bees with honey. but it seems more true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
what i do, what i am, is not adequately defined by passive or quiescent, because in those words there is a component of inaction. my position, my positivity, is fluid; it doesn't change from a solid to a gas without becoming liquid; it does not sublimate. let me redefine: i am adaptive, creative, thoughtful, cooperative, blessed with increasingly graceful flexibility.
it's not all pretty. at my worst i feel overlooked, ignored, misjudged, disrespected. i may feel i'm missing out on opportunities as a result of my cooperativeness. i may have repressed things that would have been better coming out into the open.
so...
i am redefining according to my standards during this 38th year of life. i am by all means creating the most ideal person i can imagine. i am defining what i am specifically, and without the aid of others. i am becoming conscious of definitions i have accepted, and i am now redefining. i am remembering how i have been defined and how i have defined things and i am making a beautiful move to consciously redefine.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
competency
the pedagagy and professional responsibilities test (PPR), which i took yesterday, includes questions like the following:
A number of students arrive in Mr. Fitch's government class one morning debating the results of a federal election that are being contested nationwide. The class is due to study election-related content later in the semester as part of a carefully planned instructional sequence. Which of the following would be Mr. Fitch's best response in this situation?
A. Begin the class by praising students for
their interest in the election and urging
them to continue pursuing that interest;
then have them turn their attention to the
planned lesson.
B. Devote this class period, and additional
periods as appropriate, to addressing principles
and issues related to the current public debate.
C. Assure students that the class will address
the election in depth after they have progressed
through a series of prerequisite lessons.
D. Encourage interested students to begin
collecting election-related information in
preparation for writing their final term paper.
does anyone have a guess?
usually, all the answers are at least feasible. sometimes they seem ridiculously similar. sometimes they are so verbosely worded, so full of jargon and so awkwardly phrased, that they are completely flummoxing. the above question is pretty reasonable, though you can imagine how any of the answers might be the correct answer. it all depends on who's asking. sometimes flexibility is the answer. sometimes sticking with the plan is all that matters. sometimes you should listen to parents, sometimes to kids. sometimes you should close your ears to everything and simply follow the rules.
i still don't understand who's asking, exactly. all i can tell is that it's someone who is trying to improve the state of our educational system in texas, and they think this will help.
did i pass? it's hard to say. i left the classroom feeling positive about it. but i took a practice test two weeks ago and came up short of passing, with a grade of 80 (you need an 84).
but i realized one concrete flaw in these standardized tests-- the SAT, the TAKS, the PPR. there is no chance to review the test after it's been graded. how is anyone supposed to actually learn anything if he can't see which questions he missed?
isn't that important? according to the current set-up, the priority is to measure what you've learned, your "competency." the priority is not to teach you anything useful, resonant or worthwhile.
if anyone would like to take a guess at the above question, i will be glad to hear your guess and then i will tell you the guess the PPR people would approve of. maybe it will teach you something.
A number of students arrive in Mr. Fitch's government class one morning debating the results of a federal election that are being contested nationwide. The class is due to study election-related content later in the semester as part of a carefully planned instructional sequence. Which of the following would be Mr. Fitch's best response in this situation?
A. Begin the class by praising students for
their interest in the election and urging
them to continue pursuing that interest;
then have them turn their attention to the
planned lesson.
B. Devote this class period, and additional
periods as appropriate, to addressing principles
and issues related to the current public debate.
C. Assure students that the class will address
the election in depth after they have progressed
through a series of prerequisite lessons.
D. Encourage interested students to begin
collecting election-related information in
preparation for writing their final term paper.
does anyone have a guess?
usually, all the answers are at least feasible. sometimes they seem ridiculously similar. sometimes they are so verbosely worded, so full of jargon and so awkwardly phrased, that they are completely flummoxing. the above question is pretty reasonable, though you can imagine how any of the answers might be the correct answer. it all depends on who's asking. sometimes flexibility is the answer. sometimes sticking with the plan is all that matters. sometimes you should listen to parents, sometimes to kids. sometimes you should close your ears to everything and simply follow the rules.
i still don't understand who's asking, exactly. all i can tell is that it's someone who is trying to improve the state of our educational system in texas, and they think this will help.
did i pass? it's hard to say. i left the classroom feeling positive about it. but i took a practice test two weeks ago and came up short of passing, with a grade of 80 (you need an 84).
but i realized one concrete flaw in these standardized tests-- the SAT, the TAKS, the PPR. there is no chance to review the test after it's been graded. how is anyone supposed to actually learn anything if he can't see which questions he missed?
isn't that important? according to the current set-up, the priority is to measure what you've learned, your "competency." the priority is not to teach you anything useful, resonant or worthwhile.
if anyone would like to take a guess at the above question, i will be glad to hear your guess and then i will tell you the guess the PPR people would approve of. maybe it will teach you something.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
revolution
i believe that many people, inherently and unconsciously sponge-like, can pick up energy and vibrations from unknown sources. maybe i was tuning in to some remote source during my day of emotion (see last entry).
last night i watched a movie called i am cuba. i have started writing brief reviews of movies i watch, both as a writing/comprehension exercise as well as an effort to remember and catalog them. i had put my whole review on this blog, but have thought better of it. instead, i'll just say that the movie disturbed me, especially the final vignette, where a cuban worker, mariano, comes home to his family in the mountains to find a revolutionary, hungry and exhausted, sharing his meal. soon after mariano disagrees with the revolutionary’s ideals (which include a rifle) and throws him out of his house, the house is bombed and mariano’s family is left to wander in the ruins. mariano, previously peaceful, joins the uprising, fights for his own rifle, and finds his place as a revolutionary. though the film may be dismissed as propaganda, and though the russian-language overdubs are often distracting, i found myself immersed in this film, and ultimately, questioning my level of comfort and ignorance as an american. when i look at images of cuba now, it seems it has been utterly crushed. were all the revolutionaries killed? what can I do to fight injustice? these questions are left burning in my mind. the final message of the film grates against my complacent pacifism. apparently, guns are necessary, despite my ongoing hope that they will become obsolete.
there is so much wrong with the world. sometimes, when i read friends' blogs, i feel like an ignorant american, burying his head in the sand of consumerism and petty personal issues. i don't think it's enough to be indignant. like i've said before, i made a resolution to create more love and beauty in the world. but when it comes to picking up a gun, like mariano had to, i don't think i would make the grade.
last night i watched a movie called i am cuba. i have started writing brief reviews of movies i watch, both as a writing/comprehension exercise as well as an effort to remember and catalog them. i had put my whole review on this blog, but have thought better of it. instead, i'll just say that the movie disturbed me, especially the final vignette, where a cuban worker, mariano, comes home to his family in the mountains to find a revolutionary, hungry and exhausted, sharing his meal. soon after mariano disagrees with the revolutionary’s ideals (which include a rifle) and throws him out of his house, the house is bombed and mariano’s family is left to wander in the ruins. mariano, previously peaceful, joins the uprising, fights for his own rifle, and finds his place as a revolutionary. though the film may be dismissed as propaganda, and though the russian-language overdubs are often distracting, i found myself immersed in this film, and ultimately, questioning my level of comfort and ignorance as an american. when i look at images of cuba now, it seems it has been utterly crushed. were all the revolutionaries killed? what can I do to fight injustice? these questions are left burning in my mind. the final message of the film grates against my complacent pacifism. apparently, guns are necessary, despite my ongoing hope that they will become obsolete.
there is so much wrong with the world. sometimes, when i read friends' blogs, i feel like an ignorant american, burying his head in the sand of consumerism and petty personal issues. i don't think it's enough to be indignant. like i've said before, i made a resolution to create more love and beauty in the world. but when it comes to picking up a gun, like mariano had to, i don't think i would make the grade.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
the visceral gush
my impulse all day was to cry. there were many moments when i did let the emotion swell and let my eyes well up. it wasn't sadness, exactly. i would be sitting somewhere, maybe in fran's classroom watching her interact with a student, or alone in my office during lunch, or sitting in the dark audience watching our kids rehearse onstage, and a depth would swell inside me. it didn't feel weird or uncomfortable. something about it was wonderful. when i tried to describe it to fran, she said sometimes she liked crying because it reminded her she was alive. it felt that way for me. i was reminded of my reserves, maybe, in an emotional sense; and it felt nice to be sensitive to seemingly random stimuli.
our one-act play, an adaptation of euripides' bacchae, is going well. my teaching colleague has blocked some kick-ass speeches with our seven chorus members. and i am learning how to collaborate with him, to bring in my strengths and allow myself to step in when i get the impulse. he has been really great about giving me the permission to do that, because at this early stage in my path as an assertive person, i need that permission.
i wanted my high school speech mentor, mr. naegelin, to help me today. his picture is in my office. when i looked at him he was grinning.
i'm a sucker for this one song by tuck & patti called "tears of joy":
i can see the trace that sorrow
has left upon your face
and being realistic
i know there are some things that time
just won't erase
and so i'm coming to you gently
and there's one promise i can make
beside every tear that sorrow has left you
tears of joy will take its place
our one-act play, an adaptation of euripides' bacchae, is going well. my teaching colleague has blocked some kick-ass speeches with our seven chorus members. and i am learning how to collaborate with him, to bring in my strengths and allow myself to step in when i get the impulse. he has been really great about giving me the permission to do that, because at this early stage in my path as an assertive person, i need that permission.
i wanted my high school speech mentor, mr. naegelin, to help me today. his picture is in my office. when i looked at him he was grinning.
i'm a sucker for this one song by tuck & patti called "tears of joy":
i can see the trace that sorrow
has left upon your face
and being realistic
i know there are some things that time
just won't erase
and so i'm coming to you gently
and there's one promise i can make
beside every tear that sorrow has left you
tears of joy will take its place
Sunday, February 12, 2006
departure
nic leaves san antonio tomorrow. today i helped him pack up the remains of his stuff. some of it needed to go into storage in a friend's garage, some of it got thrown away, some of it is now in my living room. in fact, he has now given me sufficient furniture to completely redecorate my small condominium. it is bittersweet to see him go: i am glad he is getting on with his life (he wasn't very happy in san antonio), but i will also miss him.
yesterday was a beautiful cool day and we went down to the riverwalk. we ate and strolled, i had a couple of margaritas. we saw some ducks and took some pictures. had some cocoa. there was a traffic jam in the parking garage, which was dumb. then we saw transamerica. felicity huffman's performance is inspiring. there are a few weird spots in the movie, some hokey sentiment and plot-driven incongruities; but her performance makes it all more than worth it. actually the only moment i actively winced on was the point in the movie where it's the morning after bree's surgery. she talks to her therapist and starts to cry, saying, "it hurts so much." the therapist responds, "that's what hearts are for." did i hear that correctly? i wish i hadn't.
hurting isn't what hearts are for, elizabeth pena!
yesterday was a beautiful cool day and we went down to the riverwalk. we ate and strolled, i had a couple of margaritas. we saw some ducks and took some pictures. had some cocoa. there was a traffic jam in the parking garage, which was dumb. then we saw transamerica. felicity huffman's performance is inspiring. there are a few weird spots in the movie, some hokey sentiment and plot-driven incongruities; but her performance makes it all more than worth it. actually the only moment i actively winced on was the point in the movie where it's the morning after bree's surgery. she talks to her therapist and starts to cry, saying, "it hurts so much." the therapist responds, "that's what hearts are for." did i hear that correctly? i wish i hadn't.
hurting isn't what hearts are for, elizabeth pena!
Friday, February 10, 2006
suzzy
my mom is doing really well, recovering.
i thought it would be nice to do something cool for her 70th birthday which is coming up in april. one of our favorite bands is the roches. i went to their website and clicked on a link that said "bookings." i sent an e-mail saying that my mom was turning 70 and was there any chance we could book the roches to play at the birthday party. i expected maybe to hear back from an agent or an assistant-- in a week or two.
the next day i got an e-mail from suzzy saying she loved texas but it was expensive to travel there and that they weren't really a "party band." then she said, by the way, when is your mom's birthday?
i was awestruck to have an e-mail from suzzy roche in my mailbox. i mean, this is the woman who wrote "the train" ! (among many others.)
i wrote back and said that mom's birthday was april 2 and there were four of us siblings to split the cost and that we'd really love to have them and could she give me an estimate.
within about 15 minutes, she wrote back to say they'd be in england on april 2, and besides, it would break her heart to have me and my siblings pay to have the roches come down and play for us.
not exactly the happiest ending of a story, but an exciting story nonetheless. and maybe, just maybe, we're not at the ending of the story yet. who knows?
i thought it would be nice to do something cool for her 70th birthday which is coming up in april. one of our favorite bands is the roches. i went to their website and clicked on a link that said "bookings." i sent an e-mail saying that my mom was turning 70 and was there any chance we could book the roches to play at the birthday party. i expected maybe to hear back from an agent or an assistant-- in a week or two.
the next day i got an e-mail from suzzy saying she loved texas but it was expensive to travel there and that they weren't really a "party band." then she said, by the way, when is your mom's birthday?
i was awestruck to have an e-mail from suzzy roche in my mailbox. i mean, this is the woman who wrote "the train" ! (among many others.)
i wrote back and said that mom's birthday was april 2 and there were four of us siblings to split the cost and that we'd really love to have them and could she give me an estimate.
within about 15 minutes, she wrote back to say they'd be in england on april 2, and besides, it would break her heart to have me and my siblings pay to have the roches come down and play for us.
not exactly the happiest ending of a story, but an exciting story nonetheless. and maybe, just maybe, we're not at the ending of the story yet. who knows?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
emotional
at school, we have started working on our one-act play, an adaptation of euripides' bacchae. on tuesday we had an especially emotional rehearsal. when i asked the students to think about their own experiences in relation to what these characters experience, some intense stuff came up. i wasn't expecting that to happen in such vivid color, wasn't prepared, and felt a little dumbfounded with my responses to their depth. as a teacher, how much emotion am i allowed to show? how much do i need to hold back? what is the best way to impart my experience? i am learning!
yesterday i felt like an inverted noodle all day. what do inverted noodles feel like? irritable, tired, wimpy, volatile, and somewhat negative. nic took me to lunch which was nice. since he's moving away he's giving me some of his stuff that he can't take with him, like a very cool chair and some very cool shelves. he is such a generous person. as for my inverted noodle status, there are two possible explanations, both of which may be working in entropic concordance with each other:
*i'm on some new allergy pills my mom gave me, and i do not underestimate the power of new medication on my sensitive brain;
*i've fallen behind on several things i need to accomplish, like an online book study (again!) and my classroom assignments.
it's ok, it's gonna all work out. it's a little valley, a little mini-valley of doom, but they come up every so often and i'm fully aware of that. just keep walkin'.
yesterday i felt like an inverted noodle all day. what do inverted noodles feel like? irritable, tired, wimpy, volatile, and somewhat negative. nic took me to lunch which was nice. since he's moving away he's giving me some of his stuff that he can't take with him, like a very cool chair and some very cool shelves. he is such a generous person. as for my inverted noodle status, there are two possible explanations, both of which may be working in entropic concordance with each other:
*i'm on some new allergy pills my mom gave me, and i do not underestimate the power of new medication on my sensitive brain;
*i've fallen behind on several things i need to accomplish, like an online book study (again!) and my classroom assignments.
it's ok, it's gonna all work out. it's a little valley, a little mini-valley of doom, but they come up every so often and i'm fully aware of that. just keep walkin'.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
bladders
this morning i stuck on my headphones immediately upon getting out of bed. "rebel rebel" was the first song i heard, hilariously. it was a good way to wake up; the music seemed to sort of invigorate me immediately, like a better version of coffee. the other thing that propelled me out of bed was my need to wizz (sp?).
mom is doing well, re-learning how to void her bladder now that it's repositioned in her body. last night when i got home from the second performance of the smash-hit guys and dolls, i turned on the television and was a little disappointed that the only thing on was a show called distraction, where people have to answer questions under distracting circumstances. bladders: two guys, competing against each other, would be called on to answer a question only after they had peed into a computerized toilet. hidden discreetly behind screens with only their heads showing. this kind of tacky competition doesn't really bother me; i'm not one of those people who says "what is the world coming to?"... but it did make me think about my mom and her struggle to learn how to urinate.
today i will go to the region 20 training center for another six-hour training. i think today we're taking a practice test to prepare us for the PPR which is coming up later this month.
mom is doing well, re-learning how to void her bladder now that it's repositioned in her body. last night when i got home from the second performance of the smash-hit guys and dolls, i turned on the television and was a little disappointed that the only thing on was a show called distraction, where people have to answer questions under distracting circumstances. bladders: two guys, competing against each other, would be called on to answer a question only after they had peed into a computerized toilet. hidden discreetly behind screens with only their heads showing. this kind of tacky competition doesn't really bother me; i'm not one of those people who says "what is the world coming to?"... but it did make me think about my mom and her struggle to learn how to urinate.
today i will go to the region 20 training center for another six-hour training. i think today we're taking a practice test to prepare us for the PPR which is coming up later this month.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
personal and political
mom is well.
i got to the hospital last night around 8:30 and she drifted in and out (much like the nurses) all through the night and into the morning. i took my sketchbook and she oohed and ahhed over the pictures; morphine must make those mandalas i've been drawing look pretty cool. :-)
iPod in ear (just one ear, so that i'd have one open in case she said anything or made noise), i sketched her sleeping face. i thought about reincarnation. i slept a little. i drank two cups of hospital coffee (surprisingly tasty) and ate some chocolate-covered cranberries nic gave me a long time ago. at about 7 this morning she suddenly said, "need to get up! day's half over!" and fumbled her way out of the covers. she brushed her teeth and combed her hair, and was even about to use her curling iron, upon which i told her that her hair looked fine already. (yes, my mom began her motherly tenure in the 1950's.)
dad showed up around 8:30, and mom's doctor came in a little after that. they discussed catheters and urethras for a while. i asked about the cancer cells they found and mom informed me that they found only one cancer cell in her uterine tissue, and that it would be several days before we'd get the biopsy on the current sample, but that everything looks good so far. that was nice news.
i hit the road around 9. i took the day off from school, so i'll take a little nap now and have lunch with nic this afternoon.
now, then, in regards to the state of the union address:
*in this morning's paper i already noticed that bush's spokespeople are backpedalling on all his promises of switching our dependence on oil over to more sustainable means; i'm not sure what to make of this, but my first reaction is a pre-upchucking sneer.
*there was lots of annoying clapping, like always, though i noticed there were more people not clapping this year than i've ever noticed before.
*his overuse of the word "isolationism" in reference to american dissent regarding our presence in iraq smacks of bad speech writing. he has dubbed those who disagree with the iraqi invasion "isolationists;" but who was it that sent troops into iraq against the votes of the UN? if that's not deliberate isolationism, tell me what is.
*it seems i detected the phrase "redefinition of marriage" as a pejorative term.
nik is offering a prize to anyone who uses eight words from his list to write his or her own state of the union address. this could be fun...
i got to the hospital last night around 8:30 and she drifted in and out (much like the nurses) all through the night and into the morning. i took my sketchbook and she oohed and ahhed over the pictures; morphine must make those mandalas i've been drawing look pretty cool. :-)
iPod in ear (just one ear, so that i'd have one open in case she said anything or made noise), i sketched her sleeping face. i thought about reincarnation. i slept a little. i drank two cups of hospital coffee (surprisingly tasty) and ate some chocolate-covered cranberries nic gave me a long time ago. at about 7 this morning she suddenly said, "need to get up! day's half over!" and fumbled her way out of the covers. she brushed her teeth and combed her hair, and was even about to use her curling iron, upon which i told her that her hair looked fine already. (yes, my mom began her motherly tenure in the 1950's.)
dad showed up around 8:30, and mom's doctor came in a little after that. they discussed catheters and urethras for a while. i asked about the cancer cells they found and mom informed me that they found only one cancer cell in her uterine tissue, and that it would be several days before we'd get the biopsy on the current sample, but that everything looks good so far. that was nice news.
i hit the road around 9. i took the day off from school, so i'll take a little nap now and have lunch with nic this afternoon.
now, then, in regards to the state of the union address:
*in this morning's paper i already noticed that bush's spokespeople are backpedalling on all his promises of switching our dependence on oil over to more sustainable means; i'm not sure what to make of this, but my first reaction is a pre-upchucking sneer.
*there was lots of annoying clapping, like always, though i noticed there were more people not clapping this year than i've ever noticed before.
*his overuse of the word "isolationism" in reference to american dissent regarding our presence in iraq smacks of bad speech writing. he has dubbed those who disagree with the iraqi invasion "isolationists;" but who was it that sent troops into iraq against the votes of the UN? if that's not deliberate isolationism, tell me what is.
*it seems i detected the phrase "redefinition of marriage" as a pejorative term.
nik is offering a prize to anyone who uses eight words from his list to write his or her own state of the union address. this could be fun...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
effects of surgical procedures
my mother had pelvic prolapse surgery and a hysterectomy back in november. though the surgery went better than anyone hoped to expect, it still took a certain toll on my mom, who is quite active and youthful, especially for someone who is almost seventy years old. by christmas she was finally back semi-up on her feet again, busy in the kitchen, where she and my dad began to argue. why? well, while mom was convalescing, dad had grown accustomed to cooking and he had sort of made the kitchen his own, and the style he developed wasn't at all how my mom was used to doing things. so when she came back into the kitchen, there was a little chemical reaction. when i realized all this it made me smile.
so anyway, last week i found out not only that some of the pelvic prolapse procedures had "slipped" since the last surgery, but also that the doctors had found cancerous cells in mom's uterine tissue. so she went back into surgery this week-- in fact, today-- to have her bladder suspended in mesh and to have her ovaries removed.
apparently the ovaries were small and looked healthy. i suppose time will tell in terms of any other activity that might be going on. i went to the hospital at about eight this evening and sat with mom and dad and watched the state of the union address with them. mom, heavily morphined, drifted in and out. i held her hand and watched our president speak. i felt interested, yet emotionally detached. i guess that whole clapping-after-every-sentence mentality seemed hollow and inferior next to the reality of my mom's existence in a hospital bed.
they didn't use stitches after the laproscopy; they used glue.
i'm going to stay with her in the hospital tomorrow night. i'm looking forward to that, as a sort of weird hospital adventure and also as a way to express my appreciation for her. when i see her in the hospital bed the only thing i think that it might compare to is the feeling a parent might have for a child-- a need to take care of someone, to love them and protect them in their vulnerability. it feels good, satisfying to be able to take care of her, after she has taken care of me for so many years.
so anyway, last week i found out not only that some of the pelvic prolapse procedures had "slipped" since the last surgery, but also that the doctors had found cancerous cells in mom's uterine tissue. so she went back into surgery this week-- in fact, today-- to have her bladder suspended in mesh and to have her ovaries removed.
apparently the ovaries were small and looked healthy. i suppose time will tell in terms of any other activity that might be going on. i went to the hospital at about eight this evening and sat with mom and dad and watched the state of the union address with them. mom, heavily morphined, drifted in and out. i held her hand and watched our president speak. i felt interested, yet emotionally detached. i guess that whole clapping-after-every-sentence mentality seemed hollow and inferior next to the reality of my mom's existence in a hospital bed.
they didn't use stitches after the laproscopy; they used glue.
i'm going to stay with her in the hospital tomorrow night. i'm looking forward to that, as a sort of weird hospital adventure and also as a way to express my appreciation for her. when i see her in the hospital bed the only thing i think that it might compare to is the feeling a parent might have for a child-- a need to take care of someone, to love them and protect them in their vulnerability. it feels good, satisfying to be able to take care of her, after she has taken care of me for so many years.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
weekend
i spent most of my weekend at a speech tournament. i didn't mind it. i've started taking my sketchbook and pens to these tournaments, and sometimes i even have the opportunity to indulge in my iPod while waiting in the cafeteria for postings and for the kids to come back from their rounds. this time i drew sketches of my left hand in different positions, which was fun. i also drew one sketch of my right hand holding the pen, which was sort of freaky-- a hand drawing itself drawing. at times i got that dream-within-a-dream feeling, or the picture-within-a-picture type-thing.
my dad let me use his ford f150 today to help nic take his bed back to costco. nic has wanted to return this bed since december and today was the first sunny sunday on which we were both free to do it. so it's taken care of. i'll go return the truck tonight, and have dinner with my parents, whom i haven't seen in weeks.
nic and i ate and had drinks at la fogata last night. the mariachis were loud and wonderful, though nic expressed a little discomfort at how loud they were, which was true. he ordered a marinated mushroom appetizer that was quite scrumptious. as for me, i had my old standard-- tacos nortenos a la parilla. ahh... what a treat.
my dad let me use his ford f150 today to help nic take his bed back to costco. nic has wanted to return this bed since december and today was the first sunny sunday on which we were both free to do it. so it's taken care of. i'll go return the truck tonight, and have dinner with my parents, whom i haven't seen in weeks.
nic and i ate and had drinks at la fogata last night. the mariachis were loud and wonderful, though nic expressed a little discomfort at how loud they were, which was true. he ordered a marinated mushroom appetizer that was quite scrumptious. as for me, i had my old standard-- tacos nortenos a la parilla. ahh... what a treat.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
freda
sometime in september i dreamt i went into a house where this 8 year-old kid lived. this boy had somehow misbehaved and his parents had punished him by drowning his pets in the bathtub. i went into the bathroom and saw the drowned gerbil and the drowned kitten, which was black and white. when i woke up the dream was still very vivid, and i remembered feeling particularly bad about the little drowned cat.
a few days later my friend antonio called me and invited me to go to dinner. when i went to his apartment to pick him up, he said, "i want you to meet someone." he went into the other room and came back out holding a little black and white kitten.
i said, "i just dreamt about that cat!"
it was weird.
about a week later, antonio called me to ask if i would like to take freda, the little black and white kitten. freda hadn't been getting along with gandalf, antonio's other cat, so antonio needed to find another home for her. seeing as freda and i had already met on the astral plane (albeit under sad circumstances), i felt like my taking her was a foregone conclusion. i checked with my brother (who owns the apartment where i live) and made sure it would be okay, and got freda a little while later.
her actual birthdate is sketchy, but we think it's sometime in april, so i'm just giving her my birthday, which means she's around nine months old now. she's quite petite and fluffy. both the vets commented on her sweetness when i took her in. i guess she's more comfortable being held than most cats...?
a few days later my friend antonio called me and invited me to go to dinner. when i went to his apartment to pick him up, he said, "i want you to meet someone." he went into the other room and came back out holding a little black and white kitten.
i said, "i just dreamt about that cat!"
it was weird.
about a week later, antonio called me to ask if i would like to take freda, the little black and white kitten. freda hadn't been getting along with gandalf, antonio's other cat, so antonio needed to find another home for her. seeing as freda and i had already met on the astral plane (albeit under sad circumstances), i felt like my taking her was a foregone conclusion. i checked with my brother (who owns the apartment where i live) and made sure it would be okay, and got freda a little while later.
her actual birthdate is sketchy, but we think it's sometime in april, so i'm just giving her my birthday, which means she's around nine months old now. she's quite petite and fluffy. both the vets commented on her sweetness when i took her in. i guess she's more comfortable being held than most cats...?
Friday, January 20, 2006
fetching cats 'n' screwy incentives
maybe it's not that unusual to have a cat that fetches things. nonetheless i was pretty elated to be lying on my bed tonight throwing a wadded up piece of paper and having freda, my cat, bring it back to me numerous times.
in other news, teachers in houston are being rewarded monetarily if they have students who have high grades on standardized tests. a bizarre development, though not particularly surprising. apparently teachers are so desperate to be paid more, they're willing to gauge their value according to the results of these inane tests. other teachers disagree with the measure. as for me, i think standardized testing is a joke, just another symptom of the dysfunctional state of public education in this country; and giving teachers this kind of incentive to "teach to the test" is another way to limit and trivialize the teaching profession altogether.
in other news, teachers in houston are being rewarded monetarily if they have students who have high grades on standardized tests. a bizarre development, though not particularly surprising. apparently teachers are so desperate to be paid more, they're willing to gauge their value according to the results of these inane tests. other teachers disagree with the measure. as for me, i think standardized testing is a joke, just another symptom of the dysfunctional state of public education in this country; and giving teachers this kind of incentive to "teach to the test" is another way to limit and trivialize the teaching profession altogether.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
shiznit
it's easy to be sucked in. laziness, apathy and consumerism abound. i'm sure previous generations have felt that the america they knew was dying. there have been enough movies made about the 1960's to give us plenty of examples. but what do we do? how do we change things? why are good people so passive, and bad people so active? (i know at least one of the answers to that. "good" people adapt, see beauty in everything, avoid fearful reactionary aggression, find themselves paralyzed by the weight of all the contradictions.) i've been annoyed by these questions before. i still have no answers. i resort to simplistic creative diversionary tactics: create more beauty and love in the world. despite my exposure to evil, i remain childlike, naive, idealistic. or is it fear, causing me to retreat into my drawings and music?
really, i'm trying to go further with this thought, but i keep coming back to simplicity. aphorisms i coined as a young adult. "everything is temporary." "all you can do is do what you do." "joy and sorrow walk hand-in-hand shouting, 'we are in love and never shall we part!'"
gulp. sigh. wince. blink. hit the post button and for now stop typing.
but no, i keep typing, because i realize that i resort to creating because in the final analysis it's the only thing i have control over. someone can take away my computer, my blog, my right to marry, my privacy, my freedom. they can do that. they have before. but they can't take my drawings away. in my small corner i perfect what i can, indulge in a cross-hatched shadow, create a beautiful line, commit a smile to memory and try to recreate it.
screw abject cynicism! it doesn't get me anywhere.
really, i'm trying to go further with this thought, but i keep coming back to simplicity. aphorisms i coined as a young adult. "everything is temporary." "all you can do is do what you do." "joy and sorrow walk hand-in-hand shouting, 'we are in love and never shall we part!'"
gulp. sigh. wince. blink. hit the post button and for now stop typing.
but no, i keep typing, because i realize that i resort to creating because in the final analysis it's the only thing i have control over. someone can take away my computer, my blog, my right to marry, my privacy, my freedom. they can do that. they have before. but they can't take my drawings away. in my small corner i perfect what i can, indulge in a cross-hatched shadow, create a beautiful line, commit a smile to memory and try to recreate it.
screw abject cynicism! it doesn't get me anywhere.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
and i feel fine
i hereby celebrate martin luther king jr. day by partaking in my favorite breakfast of old: beer and coffee. don't knock it till you try it.
still figuring out the way iTunes works. i've been erasing my entire library accidentally on purpose. that is, it's accidental, but i don't really mind it when it happens because it forces me to replenish the library with a whole new set of songs.
a lovely day. belle and sebastian languidly playing. cat cleaning her paws by the open window. cars going by outside.
you've heard about the end of life as we know it in 2008, haven't you? i think that every age has had its share of doomsday predictions. it's not a bad way to live, thinking you'll lose everything in a matter of years. it makes you prioritize. so even if it's just another Y2K-esque round of hoop-la, it could still serve a useful purpose. i am living in the present moment. i am breathing and witnessing life.
still figuring out the way iTunes works. i've been erasing my entire library accidentally on purpose. that is, it's accidental, but i don't really mind it when it happens because it forces me to replenish the library with a whole new set of songs.
a lovely day. belle and sebastian languidly playing. cat cleaning her paws by the open window. cars going by outside.
you've heard about the end of life as we know it in 2008, haven't you? i think that every age has had its share of doomsday predictions. it's not a bad way to live, thinking you'll lose everything in a matter of years. it makes you prioritize. so even if it's just another Y2K-esque round of hoop-la, it could still serve a useful purpose. i am living in the present moment. i am breathing and witnessing life.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
desire to create
i can only assume that at one point i showed promise as a writer, an actor, an artist. there was something like the kernel of a prodigy in a few of the things i produced. what is it that bestows that electric energy on the things we do, and what's bothering me more, what takes it away? maybe nothing takes it away except our increasing cynicism and/or self-hatred. maybe the prodigy is always there and we just learn to filter it, corrupt it, scrutinize it, bury it.
i'm reading david b.'s epileptic, an engrossing autobiographical illustrated novel. i learned about it from nik's spatula forum. one of my new year's resolutions, helped along by beth, was to write my first graphic novel this year. today, while talking about graphic novels with fran and ryan, i felt a stab of insecurity. "you have to be really good to sustain that for a hundred pages," ryan said.
then, as i sat in the office and looked up at the one corner i've left alone on mr. h's old bulletin board, i read a quote by martha graham about art. it had something to do with creating as much as you possibly can, because you're the only you, so you must persevere: "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost."
alas i always have to be reminded in this way; my faith in myself is so tenuous. but whenever i do create, i always know it's right, because i feel rejuvenated, hopeful, and whole.
(as a counterpoint to martha graham, check out this nietzsche quote.)
i'm reading david b.'s epileptic, an engrossing autobiographical illustrated novel. i learned about it from nik's spatula forum. one of my new year's resolutions, helped along by beth, was to write my first graphic novel this year. today, while talking about graphic novels with fran and ryan, i felt a stab of insecurity. "you have to be really good to sustain that for a hundred pages," ryan said.
then, as i sat in the office and looked up at the one corner i've left alone on mr. h's old bulletin board, i read a quote by martha graham about art. it had something to do with creating as much as you possibly can, because you're the only you, so you must persevere: "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost."
alas i always have to be reminded in this way; my faith in myself is so tenuous. but whenever i do create, i always know it's right, because i feel rejuvenated, hopeful, and whole.
(as a counterpoint to martha graham, check out this nietzsche quote.)
Monday, January 09, 2006
one quiet day
i had such a nice day yesterday. didn't wake up till around eleven, lay in bed for a leisurely amount of time petting my cat, yawning and generally lolling. nowhere to be, nothing to see, nobody to talk to. spent the day reading chekhov and copying scenes and short plays into workable formats to use for my theatre II classes. it was a necessary time of quiet nourishment.
on saturday i had to get up and be at a region 20 training at 8:30. i'm currently fulfilling requirements for my teaching certificate. i'm glad this option exists; these classes, offered in this condensed time frame, are convenient and relatively undemanding. but sometimes they seem repetitive. they can be tedious.
i want to take this moment to say tony kushner is continually inspiring.
on saturday i had to get up and be at a region 20 training at 8:30. i'm currently fulfilling requirements for my teaching certificate. i'm glad this option exists; these classes, offered in this condensed time frame, are convenient and relatively undemanding. but sometimes they seem repetitive. they can be tedious.
i want to take this moment to say tony kushner is continually inspiring.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
recent events
friend beth came to visit last thursday and left today. we ate at the hole in the wall, made pelmeni and had vodka with friend marc, and went to a new year's eve party in austin on saturday. the party is a story in itself, which i was tempted to vividly depict on this blog. but i have since thought better of that idea, deciding instead to mention three carefully chosen details from the evening's revels:
1. a half-drunken psychic healer cleansed my pineal gland by sucking on my forehead while we were stopped at a red light (she was driving);
2. near the river, i walked through a big, long hallway of scaffolding which had many long strands of white twine hanging down and was dreamy and seaweed-like in the evening breeze;
3. at some point during the spectacular show of fireworks, i made a conscious effort to look around at people's faces, lit up in joy and wonderment.
beth and i also ate sushi, laughed, played with the cat, smoked cigarettes on the back porch, and saw brokeback mountain-- a tender, terribly sad movie.
going back to school has been slightly hard, but only because of the physical change of getting into the groove again. classes themselves have been fine, and i actually do feel refreshed after the holiday.
i went to barnes and noble and ordered mugison's mugimamma! is this monkey music?. i had downloaded it and paid ten bucks, then accidentally erased it from my iTunes. i'm looking forward to hearing it again, and having the packaging to look at.
1. a half-drunken psychic healer cleansed my pineal gland by sucking on my forehead while we were stopped at a red light (she was driving);
2. near the river, i walked through a big, long hallway of scaffolding which had many long strands of white twine hanging down and was dreamy and seaweed-like in the evening breeze;
3. at some point during the spectacular show of fireworks, i made a conscious effort to look around at people's faces, lit up in joy and wonderment.
beth and i also ate sushi, laughed, played with the cat, smoked cigarettes on the back porch, and saw brokeback mountain-- a tender, terribly sad movie.
going back to school has been slightly hard, but only because of the physical change of getting into the groove again. classes themselves have been fine, and i actually do feel refreshed after the holiday.
i went to barnes and noble and ordered mugison's mugimamma! is this monkey music?. i had downloaded it and paid ten bucks, then accidentally erased it from my iTunes. i'm looking forward to hearing it again, and having the packaging to look at.
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